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I need to learn how to define myself by the things I love, and not the things I hate.

I love long walks on the beach.

Oh wait...

This isn't that kind of post....




Dogs,

They seem to relate to my wolf spirit more than cats.


Gypsies are my favorite culture.

They're just as odd as I am.


Bigfoot is real.


Aliens too.


And I love them both for how secretive they are.


Red is my favorite color.

Just like the blood that runs through my veins.


Horror for movies.

Mystery and SciFi for books.




Ghosts.

I can't wait to be one sometime soon.


I'm going to scare the living shit out of everyone.




Indie and Alternative speak to my soul.



Batman is my secret lover.



The ocean is my choir.

The beach my church.

The mountains my temple.

The forest my sanctuary.




Nature in general.



Lace.


And chocolate raspberries.



They are healthy!





Yep....


I love a lot more things than I hate.


Which is odd for a person of my stature.

Memories with the Family

This is a story not many have heard.

All true events,

But something I need to get off my chest.



I was very rebellious as a teen.

I was held under lock and key,

And was standing in someone else's shadow at a constant.

So obviously  I had to be seen some how.

But one morning I was fighting with my father,

And he turned off my power to my room.

Now I was at a stage where looks were everything I was,

So I needed to blow dry my hair.

Being my spiteful self I took my blow dryer to my parent's bathroom,

Plugged it in,

And started to do my hair there.


He was not the happiest of men when I did this.

I foiled his plan,

Ruined his lesson he had planned for me.


He stomped into the room telling me to turn it off,

"Or else!"

But I didn't listen.

He then unplugged the hair dryer from the wall as expected,

But then unexpectedly shoved me into his closet

Forcing my back hardly into the built in shelves.

He had his face in mine,

Screaming out of hatred for me.

But I couldn't hear him because I,

My little 16 year old self,

Was screaming out of fear for my life.


No one came.


But when he was through putting up with my wiggling five foot body-

Only weighing in at ninety pounds because I suffered from anorexia-

He then turned me around twisting my arm behind my back

And pushed me out of his bathroom and bedroom.

He then shoved me down to the floor so I was on my hands and knees

And all I could do was crawl as fast as I could away from him.


My legs were too weak to stand and run.

Not from pain, Or fatigue.

From fear.



As soon as I reached my room

I fumbled to lock the door and as soon as I did

I busted into tears.



After calming myself enough to breath,

I called 911.

The cops came over,

But were fooled by my father's lies

Of how he never did anything but yell.


They checked my for bruises but were too early in doing so.

They didn't show up until the next morning.

So he was right to them.






To this day I am haunted with panic attacks because of this.

And other days he has done similar things.



I will never treat any living thing with such hatred because of this.

I learned through him that only grief and misery come afterwards.



My father to this day questions why I don't speak to him.

He thinks that he has done nothing wrong.


In fact, after an effort to explain to him why last night

He started to revert to his old ways after I told him about this reason,

Then later after I left his car he sent me this text;


"I'm sorry Erin I love you
but it just wasn't like you
are claiming now. The
reason I redirected you to
the closet in the first place
was because I was afraid
you were going to fall back
into the tub and get hurt. I
was trying to get the blow
dryer without hurting you.
I hope you can understand
I'm not going to let you
make a bad situation
worse by changing what
really happened. I think
even mom would agree
you were not hurt. Or at
least that you weren't hurt
to the point where you
would have to crawl back
to your room. Mom did
examine you at the police
request and there was NO
sign of any bruises or
anything. Please Erin
don't make it worse"

Le fin

I'm done. 

Physically

Mentally 

Emotionally 

Done. 

I can't handle another restless night of stupid questions and 3rd grade fights. 

I can't manage another dinner alone, calculating the time you spent talking to me for the day in comparison to how much you spent talking to the computer screen. 

I can't bawl to my mom of how you only make false promises and tell me things I want to hear just like the others. 

I can't. 

I'm done. 

I'm done. 

Tired Eyes

I just wanted you to know,

I love you.

We have been through thick and thin,

But there is something in the air warning me about you.

And even though nothing scares me these days

I tremble.


When ever you touch my skin it feels like fire.

Honestly I don't know if that is a good thing.

Every time we talk, I see you talk to it more.

Everytime we touch,

You touch it more.



That is fire.

It burns me alive to know that I'm not all you need.

Just like you are for me.

So while I cry myself to sleep with you laying right next to me,

Please don't wake up.


I don't think I can deal with handling the truth.

And truth is,

You don't love me as much as you love it.


If I were to leave and take it with me you'd be devastated.

And if I gave it back, you'd be fine.

Oh well I guess that's life.


But please don't wake up.

It made me wonder just how she could know

I've forgotten.

Forgotten how it feels to be young and play.

Forgotten that red is my favorite color and the river is my best friend.

I've forgotten how to smile and laugh with side pains.


I've only remembered how to forget.

Because I'm not the same as I was one year ago.

I've forgotten what it felt like to sit next to old women on a plane.

And since then, I've only forgotten more.


I've forgotten the names of people I once knew.

I've forgotten their personalities and glistening eyes.

I've only forgotten because I haven't taken the time to remember.


But I remember that I was once a wolf.

That I once had the power to scare and intimidate,

But still had the ability to care more than most that walk this Earth.



I remember that I cried only once a year and only in the night.

Now I cry at least once a day and while the sun is shining.

I remember that the moon and rain are my only true loves.

I remember that I am better alone.



I know that none of the words I say make sense.

It probably confuses you,

But I've forgotten how to communicate properly.


I can feel it in the wind that from here on out we can only fall.

We are lost.


I'm too young to be tied down and loose my freedom.

Especially to someone like you.

I can't love someone that loves objects like video games,

More than spending time with me.


I don't like false promises.


So now that it's cold out I think I will just sit next to the river,

Paint my nails red,

And howl at the moon.






Because maybe then I can find myself again.








Because right now I am no where to be found.

One more Day

I just realized that the only thing that provokes me to write is you.
And today I thought of you.
Looked at old pictures,
And held our necklace in my hand.

It hasn't been touched for over 6 months now.

It's just been sitting on top of my dresser,
Watching my every move.
Seeing what clothes I pick out for the day,
And what days he and I take them off.

It's been watching me pack,
Watching me move in with him
And probably wondering if it could come too.

I've been wondering that same thing.

It holds every memory I have with you.
Cold summer nights in one sleeping bag.
Drives up the mountain to find hiding places.
All the kisses that were given to her and I.

It is every thing that resembles us.
The love we used to have and cherish.
The good and the bad.
The tree next to the temple we promised we would go to.

I decided to wear it one last day.
So today while I walk to work,
And hold his hand,
It will be there to remind me of everything.

But once this day is over,
It's going in the trash.

Because just like our relationship,
It wasn't meant to last.

Loved

These past six months have fluttered by faster than a hummingbird.

The have smoothly calmed my heart just like a rippling lake.  

I am happy. 

Things have gone back to the way they should be. 

I am at peace. 

I have figured out who I need to be and who I am. 

I am confident. 

You lift me up with every passing day. 

I am calm. 

This is finally the beginning of something beautiful

I reached out for you last night,

Arms out stretched,

Eyes closed,

Lips smiling.

I wanted to scoot up close to you.

I wanted to hold and be held.

I longed for the smell of your breath,

The heat of your flesh,

And the strength of your hands.


But you weren't there.

All I could grab was the cold air coming from my window.

All I could see was darkness when I opened my eyes.


I know that with you love is what I've found.

I am happier now then ever knowing that one day,

I will wake up next to you.

And even if that day is not today,

It is soon.


Hun, I want to move in with you.

I want to share a room with you,

Come home to you,

And have you come home to me.

I want to listen to you snore every night.

I want to giggle because of how cute you are,

When you sleep with your mouth open.

I want to listen to you sing in the shower every day.

I want to be there for you.


I'm in love.

I'm in love.

And for the first time in my life,

I feel loved.

Not that high school love that consists of making out and phone calls.

Not the elementary kind where you run from the koodies.


This kinda love involves holding hands,

Talking about hard things you don't want to,

Mentioning kids and having Freudian slips when you call them "ours",

Cuddling, and kissing,

Playlists of favorite songs,

Name calling and wrestling,

Night times filled with laughing,

Conversations and teasing,

And always wanting to be with each other.


I love him,
And I never have to ask "do you love me?"

Because I know he does.

And that is beautiful.

Perfections, and imperfections.

Inside and out.

Love.

Only in fairy tales

When he holds my hand,

I know we've met before. 

Maybe not in this life,

But this is too familiar to not have happened in another. 

His smile, laugh, and crazy personality

Are exactly who I imagined in my dreams. 

All he has to do is be next to me

And I'm happier then I've ever been. 

I know him. 

I know his dream one day is to live on the beach,

I know his favorite color is blue,

I know he believes there's a god but he struggles with it,

So he paints to get rid of the feelings. 

I know he feels it too,

I can see it in his eyes. 

I know at times he cries,

I know I've cried with him too. 

I know he's not perfect, but he is to me. 

I've seen the way he looks at me,

He's seen me stare at him too,

And I constantly ask him 

"Who are you?"

And 

"Where have you been? I've been looking for you!"

I feel like I have found the other half to my soul.
He reminds me of how beautiful this world can be.
He is my everything.

And though I am speechless
and unable to fully understand,
I am complete.

A family of trees falling

One by one, the ripples from the stone she threw, move closer to her and disappear.

They feel like memories, they almost reach her heart, but grow cold before they get there.

Freeze before they can evoke emotion.

The cool dirt under her feels inviting.

Nostalgic.

She takes off her shoes and walks towards water, pants rolled up on the bottom.

One toe dipped creates the same ripples as her small piece of earth did earlier.

       One foot.

                          Two feet.

                                              Eyes closed.

                                                                          Beautiful.

The sounds of birds fill her ears.

The wind blowing through her short hair pumps the blood to her veins.

The smell of wet dirt and oxygen, beat her heart and fills her lungs.

This place gives her life.

It's almost as if she forgot how to breathe in the city.

Like the nightmares she has, never came true.

They all just disappeared beneath her mattress.





The spider webs floating in the trees are old and abandoned.

The squirrels destroy them with their ambitions of reaching the top.

Never appreciating their beauty.

Glistening in the sunlight.


The pine cones are the future of the forest, even though they are small.

The leaves of the oak and quaky shake in fear of extinction.

All the fish want is to make it up stream to the lake.

And the bugs only want to not be eaten.


I suppose even here, it's just a race to reach the top.

We don't care about our own faults

There are things in this life, that not even the ones living it can understand.

Bad intentions are never intended.

Nor are they ever what I want.

You know, my mother is actually the one that got herself involved in this.

I was content to let you go out into the world, only to come back a couple of weeks later, with full realization of the lies you were willing to tell.

I was willing to let you learn in your own way. The hard way.

But now that it has caught up to you, you need some one to blame.

So as the water rises, and your head's about to go under, you can put it all on me.

Go ahead, lay it all on my shoulders.

But just know, that no matter how hard you try, I will never jump off my boat to drown with you.

And no matter how many times I have tried, you've never accepted my hand to pull you aboard.

So don't worry, I won't bother to try and help you any more.

Because when I do, you tug and tug and tug until I am in that water with you.


If heaven is how they say it is, and God does show you all the answers to your questions, maybe when you ask "What went wrong?" He will throw your mind to the past.

To all the times I said, "If you feel guilty then let's stop."

To all the times I pushed away reminding you that this is not something you wanted.

To all the times I brought your memory to your mission, but you ignored me.

Maybe He will show you how many times you initiated, and how many times I didn't.

He will show you, that overall, this was your fault.

And he will show you that that is why I am happy.

And you are not.


So don't act like I've received some trophy for seeing you in pain.

Don't tell me that I've won, because life is not a competition.

All it is is trying to find the eye of the storm and to move along side it.

Trying to see the sun, but not getting burned by it.


Don't pretend like this is all my fault, when you and I both know it takes 2.

This isn't the end for you.

Not even close.

You will have to learn to live with whatever happens, and happiness is only your choice.

I have no say in it.


See even though I am going through a lot, I am happy.

You have no rule over that.

I have to push through every day with a smile, because I wouldn't make it with out one.

I learn and I learn, that I am worth more than what I thought in the past.

More than what I was told by those around me.

I am happy because I want to be.

Not because I have to be, or I have everything happiness needs to exist.


Please, get through your life with a smile, not anger.

That's the only advice I can give you.

How it is

The quiet voices crawling down my wall

All speak of love as if it is a distant memory. 

They whisper of others laying in fields

And watching the stars. 

They tell tales of running down hills

With arms reaching towards the skies. 

They recall of the times of crazy laughing

And tickle fights ending in kisses and hair stroking. 

They remind me that what I had before wasn't love, 

But it was something. 

The quiet little voices come close to my ear

And speak in quiet tones so only I can hear. 

They tell me to remember the past and what it taught me

But to focus on the future because it's more worthy of my time. 

They hold my hand and guide my eyes towards his,

They tickle my stomach to remind me what love really is. 

And as we lay here and he looks at me like I am the last beautiful girl,

They disappear because I don't need them to remind me anymore. 

Every day I love him more than yesterday,

But never as much as tomorrow. 

I brush back his wavy hair 

And kiss him softly on the lips to let him know I care. 

I hold him close and fall asleep and so does he. 

We don't wake up until morning. 

I teach him things I know,

And learn things from watching him teach me. 

We talk and talk of things not even he used to know,

And he remembers. 

We know more then each others favorite colors,

And the places that we work. 

We hold hands but don't chain each others souls,

And we kiss each other and don't make any promises we won't keep. 

I trust him and he trusts me,

And we give to each other and he doesn't ask for anything more than what I give. 

I am how he wants me to be,

And he only wants me to be me. 

So while I lay here on my bed,

And watch the little voices crawl on my ceiling,

I know they approve. 

For once they don't stir and tell me to run,

For the first time in my life, we are one. 

Three by three

We said those three fateful words. 

The words that I avoid. 

The words that break hearts

And crush souls. 

The words that make us forget our biggest dreams

And make us forget what "living" really means. 

Those words that make me wonder 

If I really know what they mean 

Or if I'm as ignorant as a child that repeats them on the school yard

To the girl of his dreams

Just because he heard them at home. 

Those words that we all said in high school

The words that can't be defined. 

They are infinite, remembered, and  alluding. 

The words that wrack my mind as I sit here in agony wondering if later he'll treat me differently.

Pretend he's forgotten me,

Just like the others. 

Or if, just a slim if, he's different. 

Maybe he can actually see

That I am beautiful and worth more than just time. 

That my body moves to a rhythm that not even I can pin point and

That each foot step I take is headed in the wrong direction. 

And maybe, a very slight maybe, he'll remember me. 

He'll remember the days we spent curled up in the sheets,

Or the nights we slept on couches in his unfinished basement. 

Maybe he'll remember that he called me amazing. 

That he told me that we fit perfectly,

And it was as if we were designed by the gods to be together. 

Maybe he'll hold me at night when I'm scared of the lights that flicker back and forth as the tails of cars run by. 

Maybe he won't let me go, or run away like I always do. 

But maybe he will teach me what it means to live this life I'm living. 

Maybe he'll be a lesson I can't forget. 

Or maybe I'll wind up on the curb crying, 

and he'll be just like the rest. 

So here I am sitting in my room, 

wondering if love really is worth fighting for,

Or if it's just something people trick themselves into believing that it exists. If it's something I should waste my time wondering about, 

or if it really doesn't matter. 

I've been told that love is a choice. 

You have to decide to be in love, 

and for me that is very true. 

It's a blessing and a curse, 

because as soon as my true colors shine, 

I know that he will choose to love someone else. 

Because I think too much. 

And I love you. 

One more time

Something you don't realize, 

Is that I'm finished wasting my time on someone 

Who doesn't know what he wants. 

You're an adult now and sometimes,

You have to put on your big boy pants

And make a desicion based on what you want, 

Not what they want. 

It was understandable in high school for you to be this indecisive,

But you were a child then. 

And even though adulthood is more confusing,

You still have to make decisions for yourself. 

When you told me you couldn't accept me because of my opinion,

I knew that it wasn't your desicion. 

Then you had the audacity to tell me to come running back

When I learned how to let people rule me like you do. 

I told you no, because I don't want to "hit you up" when you can't accept me for me. 

I like who I am,

And it took me a lot of strength and courage to get where I am. 

I had to grow up to be who I am. 

And I like how I turned out. 

So all the things you want me to "fix"

(As if I'm broken)

Aren't changing. 

So you can go find someone submissive,

And convince her she needs to change for you.

Tell her that you hate how submissive she is when that's exactly what you ask her to be. 

Tell her you love her then treat her like she doesn't deserve you. 

Tell her that she is the only one you can imagine being with, then tell her you want her to be different. 

Tell her you want someone else. 

Tell her you don't want to hurt her anymore, then crush her soul. 

Ruin her dreams, have her make plans around you, then leave her in the dark of night alone just like you did with me. 

I hope you find someone that does the exact same things you've done to me to you. 

I hope you spend night after night confused, awake and crying. 

I hope you have to pray about what to do and don't receive an answer. 

I hope she tells you she wants to marry you, then dumps you the next month. 

I hope she treats you like a king most of the time when she is sitting next to you,

But then turns around and treats you like a stranger over the phone.

I hope she breaks your heart countless times over words on a glowing screen,

Then tells you she is too busy to talk about it with her voice.  

I hope she asks you to sacrifice relationships you took a long time to create,

Just so she can tell you that yours isn't working with her. 

I hope she holds you close and shoves you away at the same time. 

I hope she's indesicive and tells you she can't love you because someone else told her she can't. 

I honestly don't think I could be so mad at myself for wasting so much time on you. 

And one day I hope you say the same thing. 

I hope that, just so you can see what you've done to me, and I'm sure others. 

I hope that, because you lack the empathy to just feel it anyway. 

And don't worry, I know I probably wasted your time too. 

But lesson learned right?

What lurks in these parts.

I'm not afraid of the normal things. 

The common fears that everyone has. 

I'm afraid of things no one worries about. 

Things people actually want. 

I'm afraid of getting married. 

I'm afraid to fall in love. 

I wouldn't touch either one with a 39 1/2" pole. 

I'm afraid of dying in my sleep. 

I 

    want 

          to go 

                   out 

                       with a 

                                      BANG. 

I'm afraid I'll forget how to sleep. 

Or worse; how to dream. 

I'm scared of sudden urges I get to scream. 

Or the ones I feel to jump off cliffs just to see if I can fly,

Just to see if I'll splatter like the people in the stories or suicide we've all seen on the news. 

I'm afraid the government will chain me. 

I'm afraid of all the secrets I hide. 

I'm afraid of candle light dinners. 

I don't want to see the flickering reflection in your eyes because it reminds me you're alive. 

I'm afraid of settling down. 

I'm terrified of my creaking bones,

Frail fingers,

And fat rolls. 

I'm afraid disintergrating vocal chords that only help me sing. 

I'm afraid of people staring at my hands and feet. 

I'm afraid of the smoker advertisement lady I've seen on the TV. 

I'm afraid of being forced to eat dried beans. 

I'm scared I won't see enough rain in my life time. 

I'm afraid I'll miss the sun. 

I'm afraid of people knowing my weakness. 

I'm too afraid to trust. 

I'm afraid I'm too observant for my own good. 

I'm scared of lots of things you see, but you scare me the most.

No one can explain you to me with out leaving something out. 

So keep your distance old friend, because I'm afraid you'll turn on me. 

One day I know you have potential of being my worst enemy. 

The one that got away

She's the girl that believes that what goes around comes around.

The one that hopes for a better day.

The one that would never give up on you.

She's the girl that's unlike the rest.

The one that spent her days smiling and her nights crying.

She's the girl that would love to be loved.

The one that looks so damn strong, but feels weak.

She's the girl that picks herself up every time she falls.



That girl's eyes won't light up when she hears your name anymore.

She won't get chills when you walk by her,

And her heart won't race when she sees your smile.

You won't get to her like you used to.

You're just a bad memory in the back of her mind.

So don't be surprised when you make your way past her and she doesn't even glance your way.

Don't bother trying to talk to her.

You won't get a response.

She's over fighting the same loosing battle.

The saddest part is that you have no one to blame but yourself.

She gave you every chance you could've asked for.

And you messed up every time.

Now she will walk around with nothing but a smile on her face,

And she will laugh harder and louder then she ever did before.

Looks like you lost her.



"After a while you learn
The subtle difference between
Holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn
That kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes ahead
With the grace of a woman
Not the grief of a child

And you learn
To build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is
Too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way
Of falling down mid flight

After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden
Decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers

And you learn
That you really can endure
That you are really strong
That you really do have worth
And you learn and you learn
With every goodbye you learn"

-Veronica A. Shoffstall

Violins were playing. The earth was shaking.

She swayed in my room as I stood there 
And watched her move to the music only she could hear. 

I watched in silence, 

In awe at how fearless she was. 

And she smiled at me and grabbed my hands and spun me around. 

I laughed as I listened to the music she heard. 

Completely oblivious to the troubles of the world.  

She amazed me. 

She held me close 

And then sat down on my bed. 

Her legs crossed over another as a child's would,

And she patted the spot right in front of her. 

I sat down and looked into her eyes then down at her showing wrists. 

The moon was tattooed and would never leave,

Just like the stars in her eyes. 

She was just like the moon, part of her was always hidden. 

But she was always shining with the light of the sun,

And her stars always glittered from the spark in her soul. 

She was my happiness sitting there so calmly,

Just smiling. 

Platinum blonde hair flowing,

Scrawny fingers twinning with mine. 

She brushed back my hair and looked me dead in the eyes. 

"I love you to the moon and back."

"I love you, too, my moon."

We laid down sharing the same pillow,

And I just watched the consolations form,

Until the curtains were drawn and the play was over. 

This morning when I woke up she was gone. 

Not a single thing was left to show she was there,

I didn't even know her name but I will never forget her platinum hair. 

I will forever love my moon. 

Quasimodo

What if?

What if I died today?
Would you still walk around with a perk in your step, or would that go away?
Would you travel like you wanted?
Would you visit my grave?

What if we were all connected?
Does everything we do affect the things another does?
Can one smile, or one threat change the course of the weekly news?
What if we aren't and either way, anything we try to do does nothing?

What if we could pack up and leave today?
Would you go with me or would you stay?
Would you come up with excuses, like your family and work?
Or would you think of how nice it would be not to worry about those things?

What it I told you we could work?
Would you listen or turn your head?
Would you stay and try with me or would you walk away?
Would you want it to?

What if I told you, that if you thought so too, it could happen?
Would you believe me?
Would you trust me?
Would you pick me over everybody?

What if I told you I've been hiding?
Would you try to find me?
Would you hide with me or pull me back out into the sunshine?
Would you know that even the beautiful sun can burn?

What if?
What if?
What if?

What if I'm sick of what if's?
Are you sick of them too?
Do they nag at you?
Do they hurt you when you realize they're just what if's?
They hurt me too.

They ring in my head like the bell tower does, every hour of every day.
They give me head aches because unlike the onlookers, from way down below,
I ring the bells.
I am closer, and they shake me with every last movement they have.

In my head all I hear is "What if this? And what if that?"
But it's screaming them at me over and over again.
I can't sit down with out hearing them.
What if? What if? What if?

What if I'm not alone?
What if i am?
What if? What if? What if.

Dreams cause heartache

Dear no one,
I am the type of girl that falls head over heels for anyone that payed attention to me. Or at least I used to be.
I used to pick at the walls next to my bed because I suffered from anxiety and depression.
I believe in the afterlife and I'm hoping to see you there.
I felt worthless until this year.
I believe I was a hippie or a Native American in a past life.
I don't want to make a name for myself, I simply want to be happy.
I love baths and books. In that order.
If you brought me coffee in the morning, I would love you forever.
I'm easily pleased, but in turn easily discouraged.
I think love is real, but for every person it comes in a different form.
Family, marriage, or animals tends to be the main types.
I hate talking about myself because all I want is to know about others
The only boyfriend that I loved dearly, left me. Without a fight.
He actually said its something he wanted.
I fear getting married because I don't want to be hurt.
I hate being vulnerable.
I'm very independent.
I want to travel the world and teach my children of it's riches. And no, I'm not talking about money.
I conjure up deep and sometimes dark thoughts because that's what I see.
I analyze. EVERYTHING.
I'm a very alone type of being, but I have yet to feel truly lonely.
I have few friends because I don't trust.
I let few people know me for the same reasons.
I've been through a lot. It makes me seem older than I am emotionally.
I think. Most people don't anymore.

Dear nobody,
I wish I could find love, and I thought I did, but now I realize that that form of love is not for me.
I now only wish that you will find it.
But now it can't be through me.


Love, someone.

Worth more

You may not be pushing me away, but you're not fighting for me either.


Sincerely,
    Peace teas and colored t's

End of May

Every time I wonder what we are I stop and get lost in swirls of nothing.
There are no answers waiting for me to reach out and grab them.
There are no hints or clues, there are contradictions and commitments.
But when it comes down to it, it all cancels out and there is nothing.

I am stuck here with my head in my hands and both are shaking.
My head, because her thought process is scrambled and all she wants is the words to fall out and form sentences.
My hands, because they are scared of what the answer will be.
The stress is almost too much to bear because the answer is always the same.

No matter how hard I try to change how I feel, I can't.
No matter how much I sleep, or how little I eat, all I think about is this problem with no answer.
The problem that I know the answer to but I can't face.
The one thing I let myself grow close to and I don't know if it's good or bad.

This is the first and only time I've been this confused.
I'm dodging the answer with all my strength but I can't.
You're leaving, that is the answer.
The question is if I want it to be tomorrow or today.

I only have one month to decide and I feel like neither decision is right.
I feel like in the end I'll still be broken hearted.
I'll still be left wondering what I should do, and where I should go.
Should I wait? Can you wait?

I'll be stuck here wondering, " was it worth it?
Did he love me or lust me?
Does he know the pain I'm feeling?
Will he forget?"

Will he forget.

He'll be off stepping foot on different sands.
He'll be sharing experiences with new friends and new faces.
He'll go home to a sleeping bag, and pockets full of money.
He'll forget.

He'll forget.

He will because the things that he will be doing will be more than anything we've done.
They will be experiences that are life altering, while I was just another straight track he laid.
I'm there, but my only purpose was to take him to where he needed to be.
The tracks he's about to lay will be winding and thrill finding, and I was just boring old me.

He'll forget.

So while I sit here knowing my heart may never heal,
That this pain I feel deep inside my chest and my gut will always scream, "WHY?!"
I'll be forgotten. I'll be a memory.
While he will be holding the only parts I had left of me.

My heart, my soul, my body.

I'll be beaten and broken by my own hands because my body can't help but thrash between these walls,
Between the things I've built around me.
I built them as protection but now all the do is hurt me.
I'll never forget.

I'll never forget.

I see fields of green, red roses too.

I live in a box.
Every angle and cut,
Is safe and protecting.
I stay in my box.

The world outside sounds loud,
And harmful.
My box is cold and damp.
My box is  my home.

I cut a tiny hole in the side
And I watch people's feet,
Walk by at such fast paces
Obviously rushing to somewhere important.

I love my box.
My heart is woven in the lines,
My soul moves with the waves,
My body crunches and fits perfectly.

My spine aches.
My legs have grown numb.
My arms can't move anymore.
But my eyes stare in wonder.

They believe that they could walk with the crowd.
They hope that they will get out one day.
They burn from the sun, but can't stop looking.
They're envious of the other eyes sitting outside.

My hands fumble to a crease above my head.
It takes all my strength and multiple tries,
My energy lowers with every push and pull.
And my sweat beads as I pray to the gods.

With one final push and my last breath of air,
The brightness blinds me.
The air rushes in and fills up my lungs
While every one stops and is staring at one.

One small girl has pushed her way through.
And as soon as her eyes adjust,
She sees something cruel,
There aren't as many free souls as her eyes had thought.

Instead of millions of pairs of feet walking to places she thinks she needs to be,
There are only a few who have escaped.
She looks all around at all the brown boxes,
All of them different one from another.

Some of them are brown,
Others have faded,
Only a few dare to look through
The little holes they have made.

She rushes to one to pry it open,
But she can't not all.
A man walks behind her and rests a hand on her shoulder,
And for a moment she relishes in the touch she has missed.

He talks with a voice full of despair,
And whispers, "only one person can get them out of there."
He continues to speak of the boxes as if they aren't boxes,
And tells her only they can let themselves out.

They only can be opened from the inside,
And too many are afraid to come out.
So as she sits and she cries
With her beautiful eyes, she looks to the sky.

The blueness she remembers,
Is still just the same.
From her younger years,
Nothing has changed.

I saw your garden and visited your gravestone

I was wondering if you would ever be interested.
Found out you are even more than that.
You know the day I met you, that was just another chapter in my book.
But you didn't ever own the main role.

My book told of a girl that lived alone.
A girl that fought for what she believed in.
A girl that just met you one day, and fell another.
This is where you came in.

The girl was on a mission to protect the ones she loved.
And you had to come in and save the day.
You picked her up, and threw her down.
Time and time again.

She tried to earn your trust.
She did her best to behave.
But you continued to break her heart.
Continued to crush her soul.

Then one day when all the world was still.
You left her here alone.
She still sits on that hill every day at dusk,
Just waiting to see if you come back.

Well one day you did.
She didn't smile at first, and promised to be cold.
You sat next to her and talked to her for a while.
She didn't share too much and made sure to keep her distance.

And even though she tried to not love you,
She had too.
You sat there talking the way you used to.
And you smiled that smile that she had only dreamed about for so long.

Once again she's fallen.
And you didn't say anything to make her.
She just was rushed with memories
Of Arizona tea and church parking lots.

She remembered dresses and suits,
Long nights and sneaking out.
She remembered crying in front of you,
And how your first reaction was to stop the car and kiss her.

The days have been too cold.
The nights have been to calm.
The weekends have been slept through,
And the songs hold too many memories to erase.

She quietly let you know that she knew she still loved you,
Scooted closer as you did too.
Soon holding hands,
Then foreheads against one another's.

That night that you came back,
She knew what would happen.
She did her best to prevent it
But even the will of the strongest person couldn't stop this kind of love.

Now all she does is hope that this time
Things will turn out OK.
She hopes she can trust you with everything,
Even her heart.

Please, don't rip her apart.

Battle fields with no weapons

There are times when I wish I was someone else.
Someone that knew what they were doing.
Someone that knew how to hit the curve balls,
Or even throw the pitches.
Someone that has a plan that can't be foiled.
Or someone that can dance in the rain with out their soul being drenched and cold.

I'm stuck.
Stuck on this idea that me and you could be perfect for each other,
And that things won't turn out like they did last time.
But I know that things just don't work that way.

Life isn't perfect and neither are you.
So can't you just admit that?
Because I already know.

You are my sunshine, but sometimes you're my clouds.
You're bipolar in every which way,
And there are times when I believe that you are only pretending that you have everything figured out.

Please, all I ask is you tell me the truth.
I really don't want to hurt you,
But the selfish side of me doesn't want me to get hurt by you even more.
Been there. Done that.

So open up your heart and look inside.
Am I in there or is it just veins?
Am I the one that pushes on your heart to make it beat,
Or are you simply doing it yourself?
Or worse, is there some one else in there?

Please, don't leave me in the dark.
You are my sunshine,
And with out a window I can't tell if you are hiding behind your storm clouds,
Or if you are speaking what is really on your mind.

I love you I do.
But I can't if you don't feel that way too.
I'm worth more than someone who sits on fences.
I am more than worthy of some one who jumps them.