Three by three

We said those three fateful words. 

The words that I avoid. 

The words that break hearts

And crush souls. 

The words that make us forget our biggest dreams

And make us forget what "living" really means. 

Those words that make me wonder 

If I really know what they mean 

Or if I'm as ignorant as a child that repeats them on the school yard

To the girl of his dreams

Just because he heard them at home. 

Those words that we all said in high school

The words that can't be defined. 

They are infinite, remembered, and  alluding. 

The words that wrack my mind as I sit here in agony wondering if later he'll treat me differently.

Pretend he's forgotten me,

Just like the others. 

Or if, just a slim if, he's different. 

Maybe he can actually see

That I am beautiful and worth more than just time. 

That my body moves to a rhythm that not even I can pin point and

That each foot step I take is headed in the wrong direction. 

And maybe, a very slight maybe, he'll remember me. 

He'll remember the days we spent curled up in the sheets,

Or the nights we slept on couches in his unfinished basement. 

Maybe he'll remember that he called me amazing. 

That he told me that we fit perfectly,

And it was as if we were designed by the gods to be together. 

Maybe he'll hold me at night when I'm scared of the lights that flicker back and forth as the tails of cars run by. 

Maybe he won't let me go, or run away like I always do. 

But maybe he will teach me what it means to live this life I'm living. 

Maybe he'll be a lesson I can't forget. 

Or maybe I'll wind up on the curb crying, 

and he'll be just like the rest. 

So here I am sitting in my room, 

wondering if love really is worth fighting for,

Or if it's just something people trick themselves into believing that it exists. If it's something I should waste my time wondering about, 

or if it really doesn't matter. 

I've been told that love is a choice. 

You have to decide to be in love, 

and for me that is very true. 

It's a blessing and a curse, 

because as soon as my true colors shine, 

I know that he will choose to love someone else. 

Because I think too much. 

And I love you.