Inevitable, but put off

Tugged the moon into the ground

Turned this bedroom upside down tonight

Took my faith and I breathed it out

The walked right through the cloud of flashing lights

Bright lies.



Pain takes my heart's place

The love we made

We can't erase it

Don't wanna face it



Pitter pat, the angel on my shoulder

Is haunting me tonight.

Tick tock, the clock is getting louder

Ready for me to decide

I've lost my sense of right and wrong

Well-justified my soul to carry on

It feels so damn good to write of the rules

But when a new day breaks

I'm left a fool

I'm such a fool.



Pain takes my heart's place

But your sweet sweet love,

Oh, I can taste it

But still can't face it



Pitter pat, the angel on my shoulder

Is haunting me tonight

Tick tock the clock is getting louder

Waiting for me to decide




The sun is coming down on me

Could fate be so unkind?

Pain takes my heat's place

The love we made remains.

Me, Myself, and I are all I have left

I think I am finally finished.

I won't try to be ok when the songs we sang come on the radio.

I'm done sitting here drowning my sorrows, early into the morning.

I can't remember to breath when I don't want to.

I'm spent on the thought of moving forward.

I am fed up of hearing my heart beat in my ears.

I'm fixed on ending the pain some how, but can't find a way.

I've perfected shaking hands, and panic attacks.

I'm drained of any drops of my will I had left.

I know I said I was happy, but I never could trust anyone now.

I started blocking out the memories, but then they over flowed.

I'm collapsing under heavy thoughts.

I've worn down my finger nails until the bled, trying to get out.

I'm terrified of just the thought of moving into tomorrow.

I've played out all the possible scenarios in my mind, only to come up with one "better" option.

I've fallen down to my knees praying for god to take me home.

I cried out telling the world that I am too broken to move on.

I am too worn to go through this cycle again.

I thought you were my haven, my one safe place. But I guess you didn't think so.

I have come up with all the reasons to stay here.

I told myself that it's ok.

I tried.

I tried.


I sat with empty hands.

I cried when I reached for you.

I realized that hell is just around the corner. Waiting.

I also know now, that that is the "better" option.

Because the pain of you being just out of my grasp, is all too real.

Shooting for the stars

I have walked many miles.
And watched us go through so many things,
Including break ups,
Lost loves,
And heartache.

And one day I looked down at the ground beneath me,
That was both dead and alive,
Scarred with all the experiences we've had,
And saw a line.

It shimmered in the sunlight,
Brought only hopes for joy and comfort,
And you.

So I crossed it.

I felt like my heart was whole.
The grassy field around me swayed in the wind,
And off in the distance there was a sofa.

I walked over,
Legs exhausted from all the walking,
And decided to wait for you.

I thought that I could stay here for ever,
As long as you showed up to spend it with me.
So I waited,
And waited and then finally closed my eyes.

I fell asleep for a while,
And was comfortable with where I sat.
But you still didn't come.

And because I was sitting alone in the love seat made for 2,
That was just beyond the line I crossed that screamed out "I love you!",
I decided to finally stand up,
And I searched for you.

I looked through all the bushes,
Tore up the grass,
Even walked around the perimeter of the field just searching through the forest,
Even in the night.


But when I walked back to the line and stared at it for a little,
I saw you just across the way,
Just about to step over the "Maybe" line
To go sit in your own little plastic chair that was beaten up.

I screamed at you,
Begged you to see me so you could join me.
And you did,
But you kept walking.

You took one small step over the line,
Then shuffled to the chair in the distance.
I watched you sit,
I watched you accept it.

And I refused to let it happen.

I continued to wait.

I sat on the soft cushions
And just watched you twiddle your thumbs.
I could see how sad you were,
But you still didn't move.

My heart jumped out of my chest,
And broke in my hands after it told me
"He isn't going to move."

So I cried.
I watched the "I love you" line turn black,
And melt away.
Because "I love you" was always meant for two.


I stood up after a little,
Hands still shaking from shock.
And I yelled at you.


I screamed,
"Can't you see me?!"
"Don't you care?!"
"Did you ever love me?!"


But the only answer I ever got was,
"Maybe."
"Maybe we could work."
"Maybe it would be better."
"Maybe I'll come back for you."
"Maybe."



So I screamed and I cried.
I walked in circles,
Stomping my feet and raging at the skies until they cried too.


"I gave up everything for you!"

Little did you know,
In order for me to complete this journey
I had to leave my family behind.
I left my friends there too.
And I chose you.


But even though I am left with nothing,
After I calmed down I realized something.


In my world it is either a Fuck YES!
Or a no.

There is no maybe line.


So when you crossed that "maybe"
It turned to a "no."

So really I didn't have anything this whole time.
And I had been living just fine.


From my knees I stood up again,
Walked forward,
And went into the forest.

Never to see you again.

Because I don't have time for "maybes"

I need to go find my "I love you"

I can't drown my demons, they know how to swim

Hide it all
Put that away
Wait for nightfall
Don't ever stray

The demons wait
The demons call
Your room moonlit
They take it all

Your soul's gone missing
Your heart has left
Your hands are shaking
Your eyes have wept

You're all alone
It will subside
It's time, lie down
Just close your eyes

This pain you feel
It will stay
Here's the newsreel
Of your dying day

Different Skin, Same bones

Ever thought of dark things?

Ever had nightmares that make you question everything?

Well this morning I woke up a different person.

I woke up thinking prostitution might be a good idea.

I woke up looking around for something to get high off of,

Just to simply feel a live.

I woke up lonely, afraid, and I stayed that way.

All through out the day.

But as the amazing Leo once said,

I'm tired of asking myself "why?"

I don't know what my problem is.

I wish that I could sit back and watch myself for a little bit so I could see where I go wrong.

Sometimes I know, but this time I feel like I put in so much effort,

It should have worked.



I invested so much time and energy into this.

I was more than willing to take it to the next step,

But I did something wrong.

Again.

As always.


Again, and again, and again,

I throw my heart into something and

Again, and again, and again,

It always ends up just out of reach.



The things that I want most in this world,

Tend to allude me.


I always screw things up.


Most of the time on purpose,

Because I'm afraid.


This time on accident,

Because I'm afraid.



Maybe I'm not cut out to amount to anything.

Maybe lying in bed is all I'm good for.


Just a lazy,

Good for nothing,

Blow up doll.


Always ready for one more round

Of being fucked over.

Just be friends.

Things would be better.
No one would notice.

Hand me that knife,
I'll show what cut throat is.

Things I want

Why I couldn't see is because of the tears

Are you lonely?
  -Yes.
Are you afraid?
 -Yea
Do you know what you're doing?
-No
Do you know what you want?
 -Nope
Do you love to make him happy?
 -Naturally
Do you tell him he hurts?
 -Yes.
Do you sit there just wondering, when will it stop?
 -Of course
When will you stop being lonely but never alone?
-I don't know
When will you find something that is home?
-I'm unsure
Do you wonder if being tied down to a person that's never there is worth it?
-No!
Does he know any secrets?
-No...
Does he want to know?
 -Yes!
Really, though?
-... No
Are you tired?
 -Yes
Do you cry?
 -Yes...
Have you gone from fine to afraid all in one night?
 -...yes
Do you wonder if you are in love with someone who just doesn't want to be lonely?
-yes...
Do you think that he hides you because he's realized that too?
 -just stop
Do you really think he loves you?
-STOP!
When do you think it will get better?
-Please!
When do you think it will end?
-I don't like this game anymore.
Maybe he has the answers?
-please...
Maybe he doesn't really care?
-...
Maybe he's confused because he can see the end too?
-...
Isn't he just like you?
-... ...yes



The pressure is overwhelming.
I please everyone.
Always make them happy.

But you never seem to be with me.
No matter how much you cover it up.
I can see through this glass wall you put up.

I try to the point where I can't anymore.
But every time we end up like this.
Afraid of the next step.

I've broken your heart before.
Time and time again.
But now I feel like I'm never going to give up.

But I know that it will only tear you down.
I know you deserve better.
Better than what I have.

So just fucking leave already!
Can't you see how broken we are?
Why won't you just leave if you're unhappy?

I just don't get it.
I'm so confused.



My thoughts are anchors.
I'm drowning at sea.
And no one is there to rescue me.

Sunless Miss Sunshine

Dark girl so filled with strife
Dark Dark girl may take your life
Dark girl stay for a while
Dark Dark girl she makes me smile
Dark girl she shows no fear
Dark Dark girl is always near
Dark girl won't see her cry
Dark Dark girl just wants to die

But Dark girl lives in the dark
So you don't see her painful mark

Dark Dark girl may never know
Just how much the light can show

Once upon a Dream

I've lived here my whole life.


I was born to one of the patients before the explosion happened two years afterwards.
They moved all the patients except my mother and me.
I remember seeing her head bleeding and her unmoving body is what I snuggled against.


I wasn't scared and I didn't cry so they never found me.
So here in this hole I've stayed.


I eat the rats that grow to be as big as my forearm, raw,
And every once in a great while a visitor passes through,
usually looking for things to steal.


Sometimes they bring things called bread,
And sometimes my favorite they call apples.


Once I got so thirsty I tried to drink the water that was beneath the hole in my home,
But it tasted too bitter and made me throw up.
So now I drink the water that drips down the walls in the basement.


My mother provides for me.
She gives me the rats,
The Water,
This home.


Just last night she even sung me to sleep and laid next to me;
Stroked my hair.
But when I woke up she disappeared again just like she always does.


One day though, I thought I should leave her and this upset her soul most.


A visitor had come and he held my hand.
He told me that I should go with him and never come back.
So I did.


We walked out the doorway and I had never touched anything with feet other then smooth concrete
And rough rocks.
I think the grass was my favorite part.


He pulled me further and further down the road until I saw a little town that stunk of rotten fish.
He taught me how to read and write.
Taught me words like asylum, explosion, and alone.

He helped me learn what a promise was,
And made me make one to never leave his side.

But I made deals with men I shouldn't of.

As soon as the night fell that day,
She came to me.
She yelled at me and told me to come back home.
Told me I could never live this life with out her,
And she was right.


In the blackness,
I packed my bag full of apples and walked back to the top of the hill.
Mother following me the whole way.


The man returned the next day.
Told me he was looking for me and that I had scared him.
I told him he needed to leave.

But before I could shove him out the door,

The roaches came.

They crawled all around us and covered up the windows and cracks that let in light.
Leaving us fumbling in the dark for the door handle.

I paniked.
Desperately searched for a way out.

Then all at once the brightness from the sun blinded us and there she stood,
Screaming a deafening scream!
I couldn't handle it and wrapped myself into a ball on the floor, covering my ears.


I watched her shove him through the doors to the grass outside so hard that it died underneath his weight.
He stood up as quickly as he could and ran away.
With just a slight limp.


Mother came over to me and brushed my hair while looking me in the eyes.
"He came to kill you. You know that right?"
I was quite. This man who cared for me, didn't want me alive?
"The only thing he wants is for you to keep your promise you made, and since you broke it, now he wants to kill you."
Is that what a promise really is?
"But these walls will keep you safe. I will keep you safe. You are stuck inside just like me. Because this is the only place you can call home."

I've only ever heard her speak one other time.
Because she says it's hard for her to do.

But I believed her because she was my mother.
She would never lie.
Not to me.

Today I still climb the rubble and do as she tells me,
But I wish to go down to that little town again.
I want apples and bread.
But mother doesn't let travelers in anymore.
She scares them all away.


She's only protecting me, here in my home.


I think they called it, Undercliff Sanitorium once.
But now it has a sign on the front door,

calling it 

Hell; Home of the Devil's Mistress.

The devil is in all of us

We all have expiration dates. 

We just don't like to face them.

Yours could be tomorrow.

Mine could be today,

But none of us care.

We live our lives like we are immortal.

Walk around breathing in all the air with big gasps.

Filling our lungs with hate for others,

And letting it out when we tear them down.

A weapon doesn't have to be a gun,

A pen and paper can be just as deadly.

Because the only reason a man walks and talks

Is because he has a soul.

As soon as that dies,

All is lost.

And sometimes I wish there weren't so many of us.

People I mean.

Because we never take care in where we tread.

Infact we go out of our way to create death.

So maybe it's our turn.

Maybe we need to be exterminated just like the creepy crawlies of the earth.

Because in reality all we are is 

Parasites.

And once we kill a little more than just a few,

This planet will go back to being green and blue.

See, 

I'm just a different kind of evil than you.

Neon cathedral

I'm done.

No more growing up.

No more boring nights.

If drinking alone makes you an alcoholic,

Then I must be a damn good one because I always end up stumbling.


I slowly walked up the stairs tonight,

And cried when I reached the top.


The buzz was going away and I remembered all the questions I had.


Will it always be this way?


I walked back down the stairs and grabbed my whiskey.


Carried it upstairs in between two fingers.

Sat on my bed.

Looked at the wall and listened to my thoughts.

Only pausing them to take a swig.


This world burns just like my throat so it fits.

Goosebumps raised on my arm and I yelled.

"God! Why does everything have to be so complicated."

I even told the devil if it would make me happy he could have my soul.


But nothing happened so I guess I wouldn't be.


I even packed my bags.

I was set on running away.

Driving as far as I could on as little of gas I have left

And not looking back.



But as  soon as I stood up from my knees I fell back down.

I'm still lying on the floor.

Just writing.


Hoping to make some of this kind of loneliness  disappear.


I'm listening to the walls creak
And the fan blow.


Watching my dog bark at nothing and lay by side.


Wondering if I should attempt to sleep?

Or if it's not worth risking.

I don't want to think anymore.


I just want to stop growing up. 

I just want to not be alone. 

Never again

Here's an old one I never posted!





Do you remember that heart breaking poem about how the music died?

Well the music has died. 

It's died in me and I think it's died in you. 

It's not my fault and it's definitely not yours, 

But we both seem to want the blame. 



I've been searching for that music

And the last time I even remember it

Was when it was curled up in your arms. 

Or when all three of us awed at a starry night 

Under a bare, black sky. 

And when we drove for miles, searching for fun. 



It was even there through our tears. 

And it was there when we were done. 



It was there. 



I believe that the only reason we didn't see it

Was because we were in high school. 

With our uncertainty raging

As well as our hormones. 


We couldn't find the solutions for our problems, 

Even with our high IQs and our flunk out grades. 


And even though we were almost sure that we were adults,

We stil sat on our parents laps. 

We just stopped suckling. 




But to this day I still hold my mothers hand,

But now I know that I can let go. 


Back then we believed that our parents held our music. 

And that made you think they could control you, 

And I thought so too. 

But it hurt me and it hurt you. 


So I let that music run away. 

I sat there and I watched it as our hands came untied. 

But I realize now that it ran away 

Hand in hand 

With the one who got away. 




Because of my high school delinquencies

And my skewed perspectives,

I will never see that music again. 



My soul it took with it,

And you took my heart. 


So now all I am is a walking and talking carcass. 



The only feeling I feel is pain,

And it no longer comes from my heart. 

Oh no. 


It comes from my brain. 



So please. 

I know that you aren't coming back

Because I threw you away. 

But please don't take my music. 



If you want to run,

Let it stay. 


I need it.



With out it I'm not a person. 

I'm just a human. 



And it hurts to say

But I love my music. 





Just not as much as I love 

The one that got away. 

Star-crossed Lovers

I almost settled.

I almost gave away my left ring finger to someone who didn't want it.


I almost lived alone.

I almost decided I belonged to no one, but I belonged to everyone at the same time.


I almost became content with nothing.

I almost let the utter darkness consume me.


I almost let my soul be sold.

I almost relied on the touch of different men every night please me.



I almost was destroyed from the inside out.



And the worst part is I didn't care.



I was through with being alone, but I didn't want to settle down.

I was sick of having too many friends but not enough love.

I was tired of having everything, but feeling nothing.

I was done with fake lights at the end of the tunnel, so I stayed in the darkness.


But that's when I saw the sun.

You dug me out of that tunnel, and together, the moon and sun formed an eclipse.


So beautiful yet only a few can look in awe at with out misunderstanding



So yes we have been through a lot.

But at this point the only thing we can't overcome is giving up.


So even though we are two different people,

We will never be separate.


No matter how far apart.

Nothing left

I remember the day that I ran away
From not only you, but from everyone
And it helped me understand
Why I don't move like you
Or like them

With every step my demons were there
They rattled me awake every night
They held my hand when I was afraid


I remeber that day like it was yesterday

My bones rattled
My breath stopped
My feet sunk into the wet earth.


I began to understand.


I took nothing with me.
Not even you.
And now I stand alone with only my demons

Every now and then I see you
Just living your life like the rest of them
But I am invisible
You will never see me


It empties my mind of everything else I need to do
My soul divides and scrambles to pick up the pieces
My mouth turns towards the sun like a flower
And my mind is only afraid that my stomach churns


Happiness

But I'm invisible
Because I ran away
And I can't go back

I will never hold anyone's hand other than my demons
And I guess that's just life


What a blind thing to say

Closure

You know, it's funny.

I have become strong but I've also become very passive aggressive.

I heard a quote once.

"People never really change. "

Maybe it's true.

In this case it is.

I realized that our relationship was going to be the exact same as it was before.

Us hiding from our parents,
You pushing me under car seats,
And I being taken advantage of.

It all just became clear that day when I said I could only stay for a little while.

When I was shoved against walls,

And I kept saying "I really need to go."

And you would mumble "Mhmm."

But you still wouldn't let me leave.

And no matter how many times I told you that I felt uncomfortable,

You still persisted.

Now I understand that persistence is the key,

But you were trying to shove it into the wrong lock.

And you know, if you try to hard the key breaks.

Yes I am stronger.
I realized what was going on before it happened,
So I left.

But yes I am passive aggressive.
Because instead of fighting,
I just walked away completely.

But in my mind walking away,
Ignoring your texts and pictures of old memories,
Isn't passive aggressive.

It's smart.

My muse returns

Do you remember the day the music died?

I sat in silence with only the sound of bones shaking to comfort me.

I weighed 30 pounds soaking wet then,

And my joints were visible through my skin before I bent them.

I looked in the mirror and watched the light fade from my eyes.

I watched the smile fade,

And my childhood died and killed my heart with it.


Now that this cruel world has grasped my soul

My head controls my life.

Depression has faded away and Numbness took it's place.

I don't feel the warmth of your skin when I touch you.

But I do feel how deep the wrinkles around your mouth are when you smile.


I miss how that felt.


But that first moment that you looked me in the eyes and told me that you didn't know if you felt the same as I do,

I felt.... Pain.

For the first time in a while I felt.

I FELT.


Then the day the music came back to life.

When you stared at me again but with a different look then two days before,

And told me how you really felt,

I was happy.


I smiled.

I laughed.

I had fun.


I was me.


We were us.





I was happy.

The unforgiving journey

I never walk alone.
Every step I take is followed by another's.
I am guided through hardships,
And led when blinded by tears and scars.

The part of me that walks with me never leaves my side.
He is my family and my protector.

I hold onto his white fur as I wander through this desolate world.
His four legs keep pace with my two.

Sometimes I feel like I am just like him.
That I am a four legged creature and that nature runs my course.
But when ever I do fall down to all four limbs,
He pushes me up onto two.

Reminding me that I must stand and shows me how.

He taught me to love the moon,
And made me bond closely with my family and dear friends.

He made me promise never to abandon those in need,
And only to protect those beneath me.
Never to hurt them.

He is my friend,
When he used to be my enemy.

For he is me and I am him.

He is my spirit.
My guide.


And never does he leave my side as I near my tomb,
But walks ever closer to me.

We walk alone.

My wolf and I.

At this point I'm begging

A lot of the time I sit in silence.
I hear the voice in my head sing a tune that I hum out loud.

Me and you, we're still connected.

I can feel your pain even though I haven't seen you for lifetimes.

I heard your heart.

And you heard mine.


Even on my birthday, you wished me happiness and I can honestly say I wish you the same.


But I think now that you are gone,

And we are through,

I'll never find that happiness again.


No matter who it is,

There is a problem.


And it's me.
My heart isn't in it.
My love isn't either.
They died when we died.
Hand in hand.



So please understand that when I said "Call me"
In a comment on your post,

I meant it.

I want to talk.

Just simply to talk.

Because I honestly can say I miss you.