Sunday, August 24, 2014

I'm tired of asking myself "why?"

I don't know what my problem is.

I wish that I could sit back and watch myself for a little bit so I could see where I go wrong.

Sometimes I know, but this time I feel like I put in so much effort,

It should have worked.



I invested so much time and energy into this.

I was more than willing to take it to the next step,

But I did something wrong.

Again.

As always.


Again, and again, and again,

I throw my heart into something and

Again, and again, and again,

It always ends up just out of reach.



The things that I want most in this world,

Tend to allude me.


I always screw things up.


Most of the time on purpose,

Because I'm afraid.


This time on accident,

Because I'm afraid.



Maybe I'm not cut out to amount to anything.

Maybe lying in bed is all I'm good for.


Just a lazy,

Good for nothing,

Blow up doll.


Always ready for one more round

Of being fucked over.



Saturday, August 23, 2014

Just be friends.

Things would be better.
No one would notice.

Hand me that knife,
I'll show what cut throat is.







Things I want


















Friday, August 22, 2014

Why I couldn't see is because of the tears

Are you lonely?
  -Yes.
Are you afraid?
 -Yea
Do you know what you're doing?
-No
Do you know what you want?
 -Nope
Do you love to make him happy?
 -Naturally
Do you tell him he hurts?
 -Yes.
Do you sit there just wondering, when will it stop?
 -Of course
When will you stop being lonely but never alone?
-I don't know
When will you find something that is home?
-I'm unsure
Do you wonder if being tied down to a person that's never there is worth it?
-No!
Does he know any secrets?
-No...
Does he want to know?
 -Yes!
Really, though?
-... No
Are you tired?
 -Yes
Do you cry?
 -Yes...
Have you gone from fine to afraid all in one night?
 -...yes
Do you wonder if you are in love with someone who just doesn't want to be lonely?
-yes...
Do you think that he hides you because he's realized that too?
 -just stop
Do you really think he loves you?
-STOP!
When do you think it will get better?
-Please!
When do you think it will end?
-I don't like this game anymore.
Maybe he has the answers?
-please...
Maybe he doesn't really care?
-...
Maybe he's confused because he can see the end too?
-...
Isn't he just like you?
-... ...yes



The pressure is overwhelming.
I please everyone.
Always make them happy.

But you never seem to be with me.
No matter how much you cover it up.
I can see through this glass wall you put up.

I try to the point where I can't anymore.
But every time we end up like this.
Afraid of the next step.

I've broken your heart before.
Time and time again.
But now I feel like I'm never going to give up.

But I know that it will only tear you down.
I know you deserve better.
Better than what I have.

So just fucking leave already!
Can't you see how broken we are?
Why won't you just leave if you're unhappy?

I just don't get it.
I'm so confused.



My thoughts are anchors.
I'm drowning at sea.
And no one is there to rescue me.



Sunless Miss Sunshine

Dark girl so filled with strife
Dark Dark girl may take your life
Dark girl stay for a while
Dark Dark girl she makes me smile
Dark girl she shows no fear
Dark Dark girl is always near
Dark girl won't see her cry
Dark Dark girl just wants to die

But Dark girl lives in the dark
So you don't see her painful mark

Dark Dark girl may never know
Just how much the light can show


Once upon a Dream

I've lived here my whole life.


I was born to one of the patients before the explosion happened two years afterwards.
They moved all the patients except my mother and me.
I remember seeing her head bleeding and her unmoving body is what I snuggled against.


I wasn't scared and I didn't cry so they never found me.
So here in this hole I've stayed.


I eat the rats that grow to be as big as my forearm, raw,
And every once in a great while a visitor passes through,
usually looking for things to steal.


Sometimes they bring things called bread,
And sometimes my favorite they call apples.


Once I got so thirsty I tried to drink the water that was beneath the hole in my home,
But it tasted too bitter and made me throw up.
So now I drink the water that drips down the walls in the basement.


My mother provides for me.
She gives me the rats,
The Water,
This home.


Just last night she even sung me to sleep and laid next to me;
Stroked my hair.
But when I woke up she disappeared again just like she always does.


One day though, I thought I should leave her and this upset her soul most.


A visitor had come and he held my hand.
He told me that I should go with him and never come back.
So I did.


We walked out the doorway and I had never touched anything with feet other then smooth concrete
And rough rocks.
I think the grass was my favorite part.


He pulled me further and further down the road until I saw a little town that stunk of rotten fish.
He taught me how to read and write.
Taught me words like asylum, explosion, and alone.

He helped me learn what a promise was,
And made me make one to never leave his side.

But I made deals with men I shouldn't of.

As soon as the night fell that day,
She came to me.
She yelled at me and told me to come back home.
Told me I could never live this life with out her,
And she was right.


In the blackness,
I packed my bag full of apples and walked back to the top of the hill.
Mother following me the whole way.


The man returned the next day.
Told me he was looking for me and that I had scared him.
I told him he needed to leave.

But before I could shove him out the door,

The roaches came.

They crawled all around us and covered up the windows and cracks that let in light.
Leaving us fumbling in the dark for the door handle.

I paniked.
Desperately searched for a way out.

Then all at once the brightness from the sun blinded us and there she stood,
Screaming a deafening scream!
I couldn't handle it and wrapped myself into a ball on the floor, covering my ears.


I watched her shove him through the doors to the grass outside so hard that it died underneath his weight.
He stood up as quickly as he could and ran away.
With just a slight limp.


Mother came over to me and brushed my hair while looking me in the eyes.
"He came to kill you. You know that right?"
I was quite. This man who cared for me, didn't want me alive?
"The only thing he wants is for you to keep your promise you made, and since you broke it, now he wants to kill you."
Is that what a promise really is?
"But these walls will keep you safe. I will keep you safe. You are stuck inside just like me. Because this is the only place you can call home."

I've only ever heard her speak one other time.
Because she says it's hard for her to do.

But I believed her because she was my mother.
She would never lie.
Not to me.

Today I still climb the rubble and do as she tells me,
But I wish to go down to that little town again.
I want apples and bread.
But mother doesn't let travelers in anymore.
She scares them all away.


She's only protecting me, here in my home.


I think they called it, Undercliff Sanitorium once.
But now it has a sign on the front door,

calling it 

Hell; Home of the Devil's Mistress.






Thursday, August 21, 2014

The devil is in all of us

We all have expiration dates. 

We just don't like to face them.

Yours could be tomorrow.

Mine could be today,

But none of us care.


We live our lives like we are immortal.

Walk around breathing in all the air with big gasps.

Filling our lungs with hate for others,

And letting it out when we tear them down.


A weapon doesn't have to be a gun,

A pen and paper can be just as deadly.

Because the only reason a man walks and talks

Is because he has a soul.


As soon as that dies,
All is lost.


And sometimes I wish there weren't so many of us.

People I mean.


Because we never take care in where we tread.

Infact we go out of our way to create death.



So maybe it's our turn.

Maybe we need to be exterminated just like the creepy crawlies of the earth.

Because in reality all we are is 

Parasites.


And once we kill a little more than just a few,

This planet will go back to being green and blue.



See, 

I'm just a different kind of evil than you.





Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Neon cathedral

I'm done.

No more growing up.

No more boring nights.

If drinking alone makes you an alcoholic,

Then I must be a damn good one because I always end up stumbling.


I slowly walked up the stairs tonight,

And cried when I reached the top.


The buzz was going away and I remembered all the questions I had.


Will it always be this way?


I walked back down the stairs and grabbed my whiskey.


Carried it upstairs in between two fingers.

Sat on my bed.

Looked at the wall and listened to my thoughts.

Only pausing them to take a swig.


This world burns just like my throat so it fits.

Goosebumps raised on my arm and I yelled.

"God! Why does everything have to be so complicated."

I even told the devil if it would make me happy he could have my soul.


But nothing happened so I guess I wouldn't be.


I even packed my bags.

I was set on running away.

Driving as far as I could on as little of gas I have left

And not looking back.



But as  soon as I stood up from my knees I fell back down.

I'm still lying on the floor.

Just writing.


Hoping to make some of this kind of loneliness  disappear.


I'm listening to the walls creak
And the fan blow.


Watching my dog bark at nothing and lay by side.


Wondering if I should attempt to sleep?

Or if it's not worth risking.


I don't want to think anymore.


I just want to stop growing up. 

I just want to not be alone.