End of May

Every time I wonder what we are I stop and get lost in swirls of nothing.
There are no answers waiting for me to reach out and grab them.
There are no hints or clues, there are contradictions and commitments.
But when it comes down to it, it all cancels out and there is nothing.

I am stuck here with my head in my hands and both are shaking.
My head, because her thought process is scrambled and all she wants is the words to fall out and form sentences.
My hands, because they are scared of what the answer will be.
The stress is almost too much to bear because the answer is always the same.

No matter how hard I try to change how I feel, I can't.
No matter how much I sleep, or how little I eat, all I think about is this problem with no answer.
The problem that I know the answer to but I can't face.
The one thing I let myself grow close to and I don't know if it's good or bad.

This is the first and only time I've been this confused.
I'm dodging the answer with all my strength but I can't.
You're leaving, that is the answer.
The question is if I want it to be tomorrow or today.

I only have one month to decide and I feel like neither decision is right.
I feel like in the end I'll still be broken hearted.
I'll still be left wondering what I should do, and where I should go.
Should I wait? Can you wait?

I'll be stuck here wondering, " was it worth it?
Did he love me or lust me?
Does he know the pain I'm feeling?
Will he forget?"

Will he forget.

He'll be off stepping foot on different sands.
He'll be sharing experiences with new friends and new faces.
He'll go home to a sleeping bag, and pockets full of money.
He'll forget.

He'll forget.

He will because the things that he will be doing will be more than anything we've done.
They will be experiences that are life altering, while I was just another straight track he laid.
I'm there, but my only purpose was to take him to where he needed to be.
The tracks he's about to lay will be winding and thrill finding, and I was just boring old me.

He'll forget.

So while I sit here knowing my heart may never heal,
That this pain I feel deep inside my chest and my gut will always scream, "WHY?!"
I'll be forgotten. I'll be a memory.
While he will be holding the only parts I had left of me.

My heart, my soul, my body.

I'll be beaten and broken by my own hands because my body can't help but thrash between these walls,
Between the things I've built around me.
I built them as protection but now all the do is hurt me.
I'll never forget.

I'll never forget.