Finally

I got a job as a stripper in Salt Lake.

I guess it will all go up from here.

Embrace

There is a deep desire to sleep
To slip away
And finally forget


I entered a dream
I remember waking up with out you
And I was gone too


What followed were empty days with nothing
Nothing but the feeling I lost
Everything


I remember
Once we were as close as our own skin
Maybe even closer


I liked your eyes watching me
Like hands touching me
I spent many days waiting

Thinking

Longing

Dying


I remember


Only sunlight reminded me
There was your warmth
And then it was gone


I remember darkness


There is a deep desire to sleep
To slip away
And finally forget


But there is a quiet force
Stronger then heartache
Brighter then the sun


Embracing me


It's not you
I see it now


It's life


I want to live
                          my life.

Priceless

I am worthless.
I have no more love in me because I've realized it's an illusion.
The people you love don't love you back.

And now I've finally realized what I'm good for.
I'm good for giving.
Putting out.


I'm good for sex and drinking.
I'm good for lust and hurting.
I'm good for legs and spreading.
I'm good for rape and gagging.
I'm good for nothing more.
I'm good for much less.


The woman has so many emotions that men don't.
So if you want to belong in a mans world,
Give the man what he wants.
Otherwise you will fail. Be hurt. And no one will care.

Pretend and make believe

Ty Amy.

The one person who I would've bet my life on him hating my guts, is the only one who has spoken to me for a few days now.

He texted me back.

When he texted the other day and asked me how I was doing, and I said not too hot, instead of shutting me out like everyone else he came and picked me up.

Told me he was sorry.

Held me while I bawled.

Invited me to his brother's birthday party.

Made me laugh for the first time in weeks.

Made me feel human.

Not ghostly.



The one person I thought hated me, proved I had at least someone.

The one person I thought loved me, is still watching me sit here.

He hasn't moved.

Hasn't even thought about texting me or anything to make sure I'm alright.



What a funny world we live in, where everything you think is real, isn't.

Coward

I took 14 sleeping pills last night.

Know who texted or called me back?

No one.

I watched out for myself and made myself puke.

I'm a coward.

And now I know for sure that my life is worthless.

I am going to move to oregon for the assisted suicide

Because I'm too afraid to do it on my own.

Roads

Ohh, can't anybody see
We've got a war to fight
Never found our way
Regardless of what they say

How can it feel, this wrong
From this moment
How can it feel, this wrong

Storm.. in the morning light
I feel
No more can I say
Frozen to myself

I got nobody on my side
And surely that ain't right
And surely that ain't right

Ohh, can't anybody see
We've got a war to fight
Never found our way
Regardless of what they say

How can it feel, this wrong
From this moment
How can it feel, this wrong

[INSTRUMENTAL]

How can it feel, this wrong
This moment
How can it feel, this wrong

Ohh, can't anybody see
We've got a war to fight
Never found our way
Regardless of what they say

How can it feel, this wrong
From this moment
How can it feel, this wrong

This is the end

I'm done.

Everything is constantly crumbling around me, and when that happens it only takes so long before you start to crumble too. How can you sleep when all you have are nightmares? How can you wake up when your nightmares are living? I am sick of feeling hopeless and unwanted by everyone. Unloved, unwanted, and unready. I tried and I tried to pick myself up off the floor and sometimes I stood up, but this time I really can't. I've crashed. My heart is slowly stopping to beat and my lungs are only filling up with water from my constant tears. So I might as well end my suffering. Just like a hurt animal, it's time to put myself to sleep. The pain on the inside is something I can't heal. It's worse then a cut, or a broken bone. It decays my sense of living and honestly I don't even believe I am anymore. There will be no difference if I really am not "alive." Even the people I know won't notice. In fact they might feel less burdened. Happier even. So yes I'm leaving. But no one cares anyways. No one will notice.

Goodbye

Honesty by Joe

Hey. So I just got done talking to you for the last time. Damn, you know you can be a real bitch. I can't believe you sometimes. But it doesn't even matter, the whole time all I wanted to say is that I lied about lying. I just hate myself and I'm afraid I won't be enough for you. I need to become someone because without you I'm nothing. And in case you find something better I need to have something to lean on.But it's gone to far. I was the bad guy again. The only thing is you don't realize I'm toxic. You'll be so much happier without me. So much more successful and accomplished.

I deleted your number. And I cut myself until I forgot it. Until the pain was to severe and whenever I try to remember it I wince. I cringe now at the thought of trying to text you. I hope it will be enough... At least for now. But don't worry, I don't mind adding even more so I don't have to hurt you again.

It hurts when you say I don't care. But it hurts you when I say I do. So I don't. I sit screaming at myself. Wanting to tell you how important you are to me... That I need to know you're safe and will continue to be... But I can't. Not anymore. "She'll be happier without me." I tell myself. I'm the bad guy! I can be the bad guy!

You better keep your fucking promise. Otherwise I'll just have to kill myself so I can scream at you and tell you how wrong you were and that you lied to me. That you were the reason I was sticking around this long.
I'd never see my family again if I did that... Ever.
I would literally give up the little I have left, but it would only be curtious, considering what you gave up for me.
Well I was a disappointment anyway so I figure it wouldn't be to hard to get over me anyway.
But please don't. You could do so much for people and animals. And basically everything else.

Just so you know, I'm so tired of fighting. I'm just tired, I wish I could tell life I needed a break and clock out. Ha that's kind of what I'm doing I guess...Well that's all I was saying. Maybe I'll add more later. Maybe I'll even post this one day. But for now. I'll sit in my silent agony while I get soaked in the rain.

P.S. Sometimes to save yourself you've got to kill your mind

All done

I gave you everything I had.

All the strength I had went to fighting for love that was never there.

I'm sorry I ruin everything I touch.

I promise I won't touch anything again.

I'm taking measures to not hurt anyone anymore.

Drink all day.

Think all night.

Wish I was high, so I could stop the race in my head.




The gun is loaded and pointed at my head.

I watch the brains hit the wall and smile.



I put it on rewind and watch again.



Too bad it was a dream.

But at least my dream wasn't of you tonight.

Cry some more.



Lay in bed all day.

Listen to music about death and broken hearts.

Cry some more.




Daily routine:

Starve
Drink
Sleep
Think
Cry
Drink
Play games
Think
Cry
Drink
Try to sleep
Cry
Drink
Repeat

What I wrote a long time ago. Now none of it's true. I can't even do this

When you sit there and listen to your thoughts,
You realize things.

You realize that drinking sometimes doesn't stop the pain.
And you realize that sometimes you are worth more.


When you are in love, a couple things can happen.

You can walk away hand in hand.
Or you walk away with nothing left in your hand.

But I created a third option.

I walked away heart broken, yes.
But I also walked away with a plan.

I set up a few dates for the next couple of days,
With guys who had asked me out more than once,
And I turned them down more than a few times.


I planned play dates with old friends you never wanted to meet,
And I did it all with tears in my eyes.

Not of complete and udder sadness,
But with hope of finding myself again.


I'm worth more than being hidden from the world.
I'm worth proclamations to the world of how our love only grows,
And how lucky we are to have each other.

I want to be held with arms that know how to read my emotions,
Instead of ones that know how to tell if now is the time for making the car rock.


I expect to be loved so much that I am chosen first,
Never becoming a back up plan for when other things don't work.


I want to find someone that is happy with me being me.
Instead of vaguely asking for me to change everything about me.


I want to hit the home runs,
And shoot for the stars,
Because even if I land on the moon
I will still be happy.


I want to be someones everything,
Just like you were for me.

I want to be assured that they feel the same as me,
And that as long as we have each other everything will be ok.

I don't want to hear anymore of the line "I don't know"
Because after a little while it makes you ask why.

Why are we together if you don't know if you want to be?
Because in my world it's either a Fuck yes or a no.
There is no maybe.

How I feel

www.youtube.com/watch?v=8LcltzJtjBY

I do what I want now

I finally wore winged eyeliner for the first time in a long time.


Because I love it, and you didn't.


There's something else I should've never stopped doing for you.

Not wife material

I thought I was done.

My world revolved around you and I thought that it would end once you were gone.

But I remember how strong I was before we started dating again.

And although the fact that all my love was put in something that never wanted to be there,

I know I will find the power to love again.

And I know I will be ok.




I'll be better than ok infact.


The problem is is that I've been stuck in the "ok" box for too long.

Where everything was just fine, but never any better.




I'm leaving to go and live out of my car and travel.

And secret I hope I die along the way,

But all I want is peace.


And I will never find it here.



I leave the 25th.


I come back never.



I just want you to know that I'm sorry.

But I'm not sorry for you.


I'm sorry that I let myself believe that you loved me.

I'm sorry that I tried to donate 100% of myself to someone that didn't want it.



I've learned my lesson.


Fact is, trust just isn't something you are meant to place in other people.


So from now on all my trust and time will be dedicated to myself.


Because I don't want to waste anymore of it.





Life is short.



And trust and love ruin it.

Memories before they get deleted

 






































































































 



















































 










 





They will never be seen again.