Three by three

We said those three fateful words. 

The words that I avoid. 

The words that break hearts

And crush souls. 

The words that make us forget our biggest dreams

And make us forget what "living" really means. 

Those words that make me wonder 

If I really know what they mean 

Or if I'm as ignorant as a child that repeats them on the school yard

To the girl of his dreams

Just because he heard them at home. 

Those words that we all said in high school

The words that can't be defined. 

They are infinite, remembered, and  alluding. 

The words that wrack my mind as I sit here in agony wondering if later he'll treat me differently.

Pretend he's forgotten me,

Just like the others. 

Or if, just a slim if, he's different. 

Maybe he can actually see

That I am beautiful and worth more than just time. 

That my body moves to a rhythm that not even I can pin point and

That each foot step I take is headed in the wrong direction. 

And maybe, a very slight maybe, he'll remember me. 

He'll remember the days we spent curled up in the sheets,

Or the nights we slept on couches in his unfinished basement. 

Maybe he'll remember that he called me amazing. 

That he told me that we fit perfectly,

And it was as if we were designed by the gods to be together. 

Maybe he'll hold me at night when I'm scared of the lights that flicker back and forth as the tails of cars run by. 

Maybe he won't let me go, or run away like I always do. 

But maybe he will teach me what it means to live this life I'm living. 

Maybe he'll be a lesson I can't forget. 

Or maybe I'll wind up on the curb crying, 

and he'll be just like the rest. 

So here I am sitting in my room, 

wondering if love really is worth fighting for,

Or if it's just something people trick themselves into believing that it exists. If it's something I should waste my time wondering about, 

or if it really doesn't matter. 

I've been told that love is a choice. 

You have to decide to be in love, 

and for me that is very true. 

It's a blessing and a curse, 

because as soon as my true colors shine, 

I know that he will choose to love someone else. 

Because I think too much. 

And I love you. 

One more time

Something you don't realize, 

Is that I'm finished wasting my time on someone 

Who doesn't know what he wants. 

You're an adult now and sometimes,

You have to put on your big boy pants

And make a desicion based on what you want, 

Not what they want. 

It was understandable in high school for you to be this indecisive,

But you were a child then. 

And even though adulthood is more confusing,

You still have to make decisions for yourself. 

When you told me you couldn't accept me because of my opinion,

I knew that it wasn't your desicion. 

Then you had the audacity to tell me to come running back

When I learned how to let people rule me like you do. 

I told you no, because I don't want to "hit you up" when you can't accept me for me. 

I like who I am,

And it took me a lot of strength and courage to get where I am. 

I had to grow up to be who I am. 

And I like how I turned out. 

So all the things you want me to "fix"

(As if I'm broken)

Aren't changing. 

So you can go find someone submissive,

And convince her she needs to change for you.

Tell her that you hate how submissive she is when that's exactly what you ask her to be. 

Tell her you love her then treat her like she doesn't deserve you. 

Tell her that she is the only one you can imagine being with, then tell her you want her to be different. 

Tell her you want someone else. 

Tell her you don't want to hurt her anymore, then crush her soul. 

Ruin her dreams, have her make plans around you, then leave her in the dark of night alone just like you did with me. 

I hope you find someone that does the exact same things you've done to me to you. 

I hope you spend night after night confused, awake and crying. 

I hope you have to pray about what to do and don't receive an answer. 

I hope she tells you she wants to marry you, then dumps you the next month. 

I hope she treats you like a king most of the time when she is sitting next to you,

But then turns around and treats you like a stranger over the phone.

I hope she breaks your heart countless times over words on a glowing screen,

Then tells you she is too busy to talk about it with her voice.  

I hope she asks you to sacrifice relationships you took a long time to create,

Just so she can tell you that yours isn't working with her. 

I hope she holds you close and shoves you away at the same time. 

I hope she's indesicive and tells you she can't love you because someone else told her she can't. 

I honestly don't think I could be so mad at myself for wasting so much time on you. 

And one day I hope you say the same thing. 

I hope that, just so you can see what you've done to me, and I'm sure others. 

I hope that, because you lack the empathy to just feel it anyway. 

And don't worry, I know I probably wasted your time too. 

But lesson learned right?

What lurks in these parts.

I'm not afraid of the normal things. 

The common fears that everyone has. 

I'm afraid of things no one worries about. 

Things people actually want. 

I'm afraid of getting married. 

I'm afraid to fall in love. 

I wouldn't touch either one with a 39 1/2" pole. 

I'm afraid of dying in my sleep. 

I 

    want 

          to go 

                   out 

                       with a 

                                      BANG. 

I'm afraid I'll forget how to sleep. 

Or worse; how to dream. 

I'm scared of sudden urges I get to scream. 

Or the ones I feel to jump off cliffs just to see if I can fly,

Just to see if I'll splatter like the people in the stories or suicide we've all seen on the news. 

I'm afraid the government will chain me. 

I'm afraid of all the secrets I hide. 

I'm afraid of candle light dinners. 

I don't want to see the flickering reflection in your eyes because it reminds me you're alive. 

I'm afraid of settling down. 

I'm terrified of my creaking bones,

Frail fingers,

And fat rolls. 

I'm afraid disintergrating vocal chords that only help me sing. 

I'm afraid of people staring at my hands and feet. 

I'm afraid of the smoker advertisement lady I've seen on the TV. 

I'm afraid of being forced to eat dried beans. 

I'm scared I won't see enough rain in my life time. 

I'm afraid I'll miss the sun. 

I'm afraid of people knowing my weakness. 

I'm too afraid to trust. 

I'm afraid I'm too observant for my own good. 

I'm scared of lots of things you see, but you scare me the most.

No one can explain you to me with out leaving something out. 

So keep your distance old friend, because I'm afraid you'll turn on me. 

One day I know you have potential of being my worst enemy. 

The one that got away

She's the girl that believes that what goes around comes around.

The one that hopes for a better day.

The one that would never give up on you.

She's the girl that's unlike the rest.

The one that spent her days smiling and her nights crying.

She's the girl that would love to be loved.

The one that looks so damn strong, but feels weak.

She's the girl that picks herself up every time she falls.



That girl's eyes won't light up when she hears your name anymore.

She won't get chills when you walk by her,

And her heart won't race when she sees your smile.

You won't get to her like you used to.

You're just a bad memory in the back of her mind.

So don't be surprised when you make your way past her and she doesn't even glance your way.

Don't bother trying to talk to her.

You won't get a response.

She's over fighting the same loosing battle.

The saddest part is that you have no one to blame but yourself.

She gave you every chance you could've asked for.

And you messed up every time.

Now she will walk around with nothing but a smile on her face,

And she will laugh harder and louder then she ever did before.

Looks like you lost her.



"After a while you learn
The subtle difference between
Holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn
That kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes ahead
With the grace of a woman
Not the grief of a child

And you learn
To build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is
Too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way
Of falling down mid flight

After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden
Decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers

And you learn
That you really can endure
That you are really strong
That you really do have worth
And you learn and you learn
With every goodbye you learn"

-Veronica A. Shoffstall