I'm trying

Every day things get worse.
I've tried dating.
It's not working.
I've tried friendships.
They aren't working.

Every. Single. Thing.
Isn't working.
Except for my memories.

I constantly am having dreams about you.
I am always thinking of you.
And I remember everything.
The good, the bad, and the ugly.

But recently I've made a friend,
With someone who lives almost 1000 miles away.
He has been treating me with the most kindness I've ever seen.

He is flying to Utah to visit me for a week.

Garrett has been pushing me to date him.
He's possessive already and we are on date #3.
I can't message him over text even because he wants to
"Know if I'm responding every time I see his messages"

He's controlling. Already.

I can't be more clear with him.
I tell him almost everyday that I don't want to date him.
But it doesn't matter.
He still pushes.

He still shows up at my house unannounced.
He still picks me up and takes me out with out me having a say.
I've even yelled at him a couple of times.
But maybe this is just what I deserve.

Maybe I need to be forced into relationships.

Maybe I should be pushed around,
Told what to do,
And when to do it.
Maybe I need this because I'm worthless without someone like that.

Maybe.

But when I look at Adam.
The person flying out just to meet me.
It makes me wonder if I will ever be loved by someone as sweet,
Kind and caring as he is.

But then I remember I'm me. I deserve much less.

I remember I'm me.
And put all the hope I have to rest.
Remember that I'm worth no love.
So just a little attention is worth my time.


Joe life is hard.
And I can't do it.
I'm trying.

But everywhere I turn I run into something else
That reminds me that I should be dead.
That this isn't natural.
And it sure as hell isn't fun.

I'm sorry.
About everything.
I hope you are ok.
And loving Arizona.