Just thought you should know

Draw back the bow string,
Shot lined up perfectly,
And the Violins begin to sing
As you move your arm back and forth.

I sway from side to side
In the hands of fate
That have me locked between her fingers,
Trapped.

I think of what I've done,
What I will do,
And how hard it will be,
Not for me but for you.

The tattoo on my shoulder stings,
Reminding me that the flying birds
Are there to help me feel free.
But am I free? Or am I trapped?

My closet is full of skeletons.
I put them on every morning
And strut around when they should be hidden,
I should be afraid.

My 100 dollar sunglasses rest on my head,
My 2 dollar coffee sits on my nightstand,
My new iphone in hand,
And my mind is filled with only you.

I am so free.
So happy.
So scared.
And not ready.

I'm afraid I will only upset you if you saw me.
I'm afraid that you will take one look at me,
See right through me,
And realize that your time has most likely been wasted.

You thought I was perfect.
You thought I was pure.
You thought I was open.
You thought I was everything you could've ever wanted.

I have always known that you are too good for me.
That I don't deserve you.
But I could never fully convince myself
To let you go.

At the end of it all you're still my best friend.
But you know that we are not moving in the same direction.
I'm going down as you continue to rise.
So break out the champagne.

18 and already thinking of my 21st.
How they are planning it,
Like it will be everything you would see on a silver screen.
And honestly I can't wait.

My nails are done.
My hair is curled.
My clothes are expensive.
My breath is cold.

I am no longer who you knew,
Once upon a time.
I am now being me.
I am now free.

My Only Wish

For the longest time, I didn't want to speak to you.
For weeks I thought it would be too hard,
Either that or much too easy.

You my friend, that is no longer here, are what every action,
Every thought,
Every thing that I do revolves around.

Every time I need to make a decision I always ask,
what would he think if I did this?
What would you think?

I look at myself in the mirror
And all I can think about is how empty and sad I look.
How dark my eyes have become.

There has and always will be the doubt
That will forever rest in the pit of my gut.
The doubt that tells me that you have forgotten.

Forgotten about me.
Forgotten about you.
Forgotten about us.

When I see the only picture I have left of you
I cry.
Because I feel like you are lost.

I feel as though my heart will never heal.
But I worry more about your own health,
Than mine.

Are you well?
Are you safe?
Are you happy?

I wish I could sit you down.
Place a huge plate of your favorite food down in front of you,
And just simply run my fingers through your hair as you sit there.

Happy.
Safe.
And Well.

I wish I could know.
I wish I could see.
I wish I could fix.

No more

So here's the deal.
I hate this.
I hate having to sit here in bed wondering if I will ever speak to you,
or see your smile,
or hear your laugh.
I hate having to sit here knowing that the chances of "us" are slim to none.
I hate that I didn't get to say good bye.
I hate that I can't hold you.
I hate that I hear about other girls.
I hate that I know about other girls.
I hate knowing.
I hate love.
I hate this.