I'm only 18

One step closer to becoming an adult.

My slippers won't fit anymore.

The tiara will only look silly.

The dress up box will have to be thrown away.

The multi-color nail polish will be removed.

My hopes and dreams spin in circles down the tubes.

Blood and sweat is what is to come. Not my own of course.

My knee high boots will need to be broken in.

My hair is pulled back for ultimate efficiency.

My closet only holds leather skin tight outfits, I must look professional.

My finger nails are neat and french tipped with a kit I bought for 5 dollars.

The gig is up.

The guns are drawn.

Let's get out there,

and kick some Zombie butt!

My Secrets

I feel fat just because when I bend over my stomach scrunches up.

I can't sleep when I am stressed or confused.

My first suicide attempt was in 7th grade.

I attempted it 11 times after that.

I used to cut myself, I even became so desperate I used a key one day.

I tell every one that the scars on my ankles are from soccer.

My happiness is dependent on the amount of love I feel from other people.

Right now, I am experiencing little to none of that.

I believe everything every one tells me about myself that is negative and store it in my heart.

Ugly, stupid, waste of space, not worth my time.

I believe in God but I don't think that the LDS church is right for me.

I hate texting.

I cover everything up with, "I'm fine."

I feel worthless.

My life, is worthless.

I've wanted to be a vet since I was 5 or 6, but I gave up that dream because of my patriarchal blessing.

I have PTSD.

I hate crying infront of people so I smile instead. I just laugh it off.

When I was in seminary one day, and I was losing everything around me, I went into the bathroom and kicked the stalls for a half an hour.

I can't cope without a song that descibes exactly how I feel.

I wanna cry- Keith Urban.

I haven't ever had the desire to become great.

I just want to blend in.

I would rather be single than have my heart broken anymore.

I sucked my thumb until I was 11 years old.

I pick my fingernail polish off when I'm depressed.

I play video games, and yes I do enjoy them.

I'm almost positive that if I was tested they would tell me that I have ADD and dyslexia.

I've never been bullied at school, but home is a different story.

I've been kicked out of my house.

I've lied to the cops and have been caught doing it.

I can't ever put what I'm feeling into words.

I think I can't because I've never done it before.

I used to sleep under my bed when my parents were fighting.

I've never gone home in search of a sanctuary.

I don't believe in love anymore.

I knew that my last relationship was going to end from the begging but it still hurt.

I love my name.

I'm never satisfied with anything I do.

I'm not a virgin.

I don't want to get married or be in a relationship with some one but I want kids.

Adoption it is.

90% of the time, you could find me crying myself to sleep.

This is the life no one knows.

My Regrets for the Loss of Perfection

Like I've said before.

Life is too short to care at all.

You know how many times I have given up on everything?

How many times I've wanted out?

How many times I stayed anyways?

Now you say that you are through.

That it's not me, but you.

Well I believe that when ever some one says that they mean the opposite.

So screw you.

You were never here for me anyways.

Never listened to a word I spat out but wanted me to listen to you.

Do you know how lonely it gets crying yourself to sleep

and your pillow is the only one that will hold you?

My face is stuck in a scowl because I'm angry.

Angry that I believed you when you said,

"I love you" or "Always and Forever"

Angry that to you, I am no longer worth fighting for.

I am crying because I'm hurt.

But like you said, we all have to face reality sometime.

No one is invincible.

And even though these tears are falling,

I won't cry tomorrow or the next day.

Or even the day after that.

Only because every tear a woman cries because of a stupid man,

counts against him in heaven.

And I wouldn't wish the wrath of God upon my worst enemy.

So enjoy your many days you have left of your ignorance.

Now, I can do what ever I want so it's freeing in a hurtful kind of way.

Drink coffee every morning if I want.

And I could even go to the strip club if I wanted, but I can't stand the germs.

Where I go with my life is now my choice.

I refuse to let you run it anymore.

So like you said, see you in three years.

Don't worry, I won't reply to your whinny text messages.

Or your "I'm sorry for my arrogance" phone calls and voice mails.

Enjoy college. Enjoy life.

Enjoy the wonderful sunshine above you.

Because when we do talk in 3 years, I can guarentee you something.

And that's that by that time,

The rain clouds will have moved from over my head,

to yours.