I always have her with me

I've started starving myself again.
Depression began settling in and making a home.
My body is furnished with all of it's belongings it loves.

It's sadness,
                   anxiety,
                                hopelessness,
                                                       and isolation.

I've tried and tried again to tell her to leave,
But she insisted on staying.
Told me that she wasn't tired quite yet, but I sure am.

 She is constantly whispering to me,
Telling me that everything would be so much better if I was dead.
She told me that you would be happy, and so would my family, and there would be no pain.

I am beginning to believe her.
Infact I started believing her a long time ago.
I just have never had the chance to follow her instructions and make it better.

She keeps tugging on my shirt and pulling me down to her level.
She will never let me forget you.
Never.

So what's the point?
I can be grateful for everything but still receive nothing except for pain.
You have been the only person to make me truly laugh and smile.

But now you're gone.

So tell me,
                      Why?


Why go on living alone?
Why destroy myself until there is nothing left?
Why let them destroy me too?

I think we both know the answer to my problem.
Just one of us doesn't want to face it.
But I'm ready.

Running in the same direction, but you're afraid and I am hoping you will turn around

I'm scared.

I'm afraid that I can never be wanted by anyone.

I'm terrified that the one person I love will never love me back.

I'm fearful of the fact that if you send for me I'll come, but I don't know if you would ever do the same.



I just want to be wanted.

I just love to be loved.

I just hoped that we could've worked.



But I guess I still haven't learned.

Still believe in faithful waiting, and rewards for doing so.

All I do is try.

All I do is wait.

All I do is hope.



I wish that I wouldn't so easily run to you when you call my name.

I wish I could play hard to get.

But when it comes to you, all I want is to make you happy.

So I do whatever you ask.




If you change your mind about loving me, just know I will run to you.

With open arms.


But for now I guess I can understand why you are running away from me.

I would too.


So good luck.

I hope you find what answers you are looking for.

And maybe I will see you again someday.