I'm going to do a little rant teenage style because right now I don't want to act like an adult.
I'm sick of having to hold it all in and telling people, "I'm ok. I'll figure it out."
Smiling the whole while and then always quickly changing the subject.
I was fucking 8 MONTHS PREGNANT when I heard him say, "I don't think I can be a parent."
2 weeks later I had my son.
3 weeks later I moved back in with my mom in a state I've despised since the moment I took a breath and grew up in it.
Never fitting in.
Never will fit in.
And now here I am reminiscing and remembering that I suck at relationships.
Holding a baby and thinking, "just another person to invest myself into, only for him to hate me I bet."
I must be a very shitty person for someone to not even to love a child that comes from me. Because I know it's not the newborns fault. There's no way it is.
I'm depressed beyond belief and I won't admit it to anyone because right now I'm helping my mom more than I ever have and I left all my friends behind me by about 8 hours driving.
So here I am venting to no one because it's helped before.
But I feel worse this time. Not better.
I tangled up a child into my life that I don't even want to be a part of right now.
How horrible does a person have to be to do that?
To a child? A child. Only 2 months old and has already moved out of his birth state and will never know his father.
I'm trying my best but playing 4 roles at once is hard. Spouse for my mom, mother of my baby, sister to my siblings, and fixer of all problems.
But I'm ok.
I'm ok.
I'll figure it out.
I'm ok.
