Flash back to reality

I officially decided that I suck at relationships.
I'm going to do a little rant teenage style because right now I don't want to act like an adult.

I'm sick of having to hold it all in and telling people, "I'm ok. I'll figure it out."
Smiling the whole while and then always quickly changing the subject.

I was fucking 8 MONTHS PREGNANT when I heard him say, "I don't think I can be a parent."

2 weeks later I had my son.

3 weeks later I moved back in with my mom in a state I've despised since the moment I took a breath and grew up in it.
Never fitting in.
Never will fit in.

And now here I am reminiscing and remembering that I suck at relationships.

Holding a baby and thinking, "just another person to invest myself into, only for him to hate me I bet."

I must be a very shitty person for someone to not even to love a child that comes from me. Because I know it's not the newborns fault. There's no way it is.

I'm depressed beyond belief and I won't admit it to anyone because right now I'm helping my mom more than I ever have and I left all my friends behind me by about 8 hours driving.

So here I am venting to no one because it's helped before.

But I feel worse this time. Not better.

I tangled up a child into my life that I don't even want to be a part of right now.

How horrible does a person have to be to do that?

To a child? A child. Only 2 months old and has already moved out of his birth state and will never know his father.

I'm trying my best but playing 4 roles at once is hard. Spouse for my mom, mother of my baby, sister to my siblings, and fixer of all problems.

But I'm ok.

I'm ok.

I'll figure it out.

I'm ok.

Am I too easy?
Do I make myself too accessible?
Because it seems as though every time I start to see things working out,
It turns out to be that I've let the wrong person in.
I wind up alone again.
It hurts
And I want it to stop.

No more remorse

I got to spend the last and first day of two separate years with a man who loves me, and I love him.
With a puppy causing mischief in a two bedroom apartment in Colorado.
With a baby growing to the size of a blueberry and looking at ultrasound photos.
With little to no stress and knowing everything will work out in the year to come.

2016 is going to be just like the last half of 2015.
Full of happiness and laughing,
With my best friend and lover by my side through everything and I by his.
Full of snoring and hugs,
And just being able to be my weird ass self.

And yes. Things will not always go to plan.
But during this month we will be planning out the year to come.
In 1 month we will learn the gender of our child.
In 2 months we will spend our first Easter together.
In 3 months it will be our anniversary.
In 4 months will be my very first Mother's Day.
In 5 months will be Adams very first Father's Day.
In 6 months we will be moving to Oregon.
In 7 months we will have a child coming very soon.
In 8 months our puppy will be 1 years old and Adam will be 23.
In 9 months will be our first year as a family on Halloween.
In 10 months we will be in Utah spending thanksgiving with everyone.
In 11 months I will turn 23.
And finally in 12 months it will start all over again.

I'm excited for a year full of love and friendship.
For once I'm excited for the future.

Happy new year.