Just thinking

I've learned so much out here.
Like how 30 year old men find me attractive .
Like how both of the ones that have told me they do have grabbed my butt like its nothing.
Or how stu our friend, he's not like who I thought he was and now he wants to move out here to be with me..
The worst part is I don't know if he's bluffing.
Or how you don't want to speak to me even if I am on the other side of the country.
I've discovered who I am and I think that I'm a slut,
Because every day I have a new guy grab my butt
And all I say is "let's keep it simple"
Or "for now we're sweet and innocent" like they possibly have a future with it.
My whole self has changed and now I realize that you want nothing to do with me
Or how I walk, talk, and breathe.
Obviously you're too good for me.
But out there in the Deseret where all your days are spent alone,
That's what everyone thinks.
Perfect church run by imperfect people?
No that's not right.
They're both not perfect and they both teach the same thing.
To judge other people like there is no tomorrow.
Not a single soul I know in they're right mind would disagree with me.
So you enjoy your sweet talks with women who are looked down upon.
Women whose ancestors fought for their freedoms but they don't get to have them.
You enjoy the fact that only men can give blessings
Or speak with the god that they say is up in heaven.
Your god is not mine because in my eyes,
Both men and women can accomplish the same things.
They both can speak to god in a one on one conversation.
They both can have a job and get an education.
So maybe it's just me but you know if you really want to leave for the church that degrades me,
Instead of love me be my guest.
Just know that I won't sit here waiting for you in the end
Especially when you can't even say "hi" back to me,

Just because you want to repent to be a missionary.

Everything I Came For

My Shallow breathing has made me light headed.

The storm outside has made the childish side come out of me.

Hair wet.

Tears forming.

I stare and watch all the crows fly above me,

As I swallow down my medicine.

The spider bite is now purple and scabbed over.

The bruises are disappearing.

And the one thing that still hasn't changed,

Is that you are the one I still want to keep close.

My hair has frizzed up and turned on me.

My dreams are much too big for me to be happy.

I've been chasing after them for far too long,

I can hardly believe that they are almost in my reach.

Where will I be?

Ten years from now,

Will I still want kids?

Will I still love the rain,

Hot tea,

And dark concepts?

Like zombies or crows.

Will I still want to grow up to become an artist?

Or will I strangle the life out of that dream,

As I sit here typing,

Day after day,

Just waiting for some feed back?







Will you ever be able to find me?

Now that I've changed my number,

My looks,

My address,

And my tastes?

Will you even look?

Or is that too over rated?

Well who cares.

Maybe I don't want you to find me anyways.

Who am I kidding.

Of course I do.

I think I'll become a designer.

Or maybe an English teacher.

Even I don't know myself so how could I expect you to?

Nothing is coming out like how I wanted.

So I'm just going to cut the bull shit,

And shut my mouth.