Flash back to reality

I officially decided that I suck at relationships.
I'm going to do a little rant teenage style because right now I don't want to act like an adult.

I'm sick of having to hold it all in and telling people, "I'm ok. I'll figure it out."
Smiling the whole while and then always quickly changing the subject.

I was fucking 8 MONTHS PREGNANT when I heard him say, "I don't think I can be a parent."

2 weeks later I had my son.

3 weeks later I moved back in with my mom in a state I've despised since the moment I took a breath and grew up in it.
Never fitting in.
Never will fit in.

And now here I am reminiscing and remembering that I suck at relationships.

Holding a baby and thinking, "just another person to invest myself into, only for him to hate me I bet."

I must be a very shitty person for someone to not even to love a child that comes from me. Because I know it's not the newborns fault. There's no way it is.

I'm depressed beyond belief and I won't admit it to anyone because right now I'm helping my mom more than I ever have and I left all my friends behind me by about 8 hours driving.

So here I am venting to no one because it's helped before.

But I feel worse this time. Not better.

I tangled up a child into my life that I don't even want to be a part of right now.

How horrible does a person have to be to do that?

To a child? A child. Only 2 months old and has already moved out of his birth state and will never know his father.

I'm trying my best but playing 4 roles at once is hard. Spouse for my mom, mother of my baby, sister to my siblings, and fixer of all problems.

But I'm ok.

I'm ok.

I'll figure it out.

I'm ok.

Am I too easy?
Do I make myself too accessible?
Because it seems as though every time I start to see things working out,
It turns out to be that I've let the wrong person in.
I wind up alone again.
It hurts
And I want it to stop.

No more remorse

I got to spend the last and first day of two separate years with a man who loves me, and I love him.
With a puppy causing mischief in a two bedroom apartment in Colorado.
With a baby growing to the size of a blueberry and looking at ultrasound photos.
With little to no stress and knowing everything will work out in the year to come.

2016 is going to be just like the last half of 2015.
Full of happiness and laughing,
With my best friend and lover by my side through everything and I by his.
Full of snoring and hugs,
And just being able to be my weird ass self.

And yes. Things will not always go to plan.
But during this month we will be planning out the year to come.
In 1 month we will learn the gender of our child.
In 2 months we will spend our first Easter together.
In 3 months it will be our anniversary.
In 4 months will be my very first Mother's Day.
In 5 months will be Adams very first Father's Day.
In 6 months we will be moving to Oregon.
In 7 months we will have a child coming very soon.
In 8 months our puppy will be 1 years old and Adam will be 23.
In 9 months will be our first year as a family on Halloween.
In 10 months we will be in Utah spending thanksgiving with everyone.
In 11 months I will turn 23.
And finally in 12 months it will start all over again.

I'm excited for a year full of love and friendship.
For once I'm excited for the future.

Happy new year.

Forward

Hey Joe,

Thank god and the heavens above that you finally figured it out. I hope it makes you happier like it did for me and frees you from a few chains around your ankles.

I have been finding everything  I wanted in Texas.

I have a steady job that offers a lot of opportunity,

I have a boyfriend that is my best friend and takes care of me like it's the last day we will have together every single day.

And I am soon to be moving from here in Colorado with Adam up to Oregon with in the next half year.

I am excited and scared and don't get me wrong I miss you, but I am glad that I'm figuring things out and so are you.

I hope that you aren't bitter towards me anymore, because I could never stay bitter towards you for very long.

This life is way too short to hold on to anger.

I have one last piece of advice for you,

I know I'm probably the last person you want to take it from but it's something I had to find out the hard way.

Enjoy every small thing.

Enjoy the trees blowing in the wind and how it ruffles your hair,

Enjoy being broke (it sounds weird but it teaches you a lot)

Enjoy the spring how it makes you grow
Enjoy the Summer and blistering heat that tans you
Enjoy the fall where it chills you but you see the world turn into colors of fire
And Enjoy the winter, where it reminds you that things have to die to continue growing.


ENJOY IT ALL!!!


Kid I really do love you, and won't get over that.
But don't take that the wrong way.

I love you in the way that I hope you find happiness in the hard times
And I love you in the way that I still only want the best for you.

I hope you find a partner in this big crazy world like how I have found Adam.

Take some risks.

Drink until you pass out then never do it again.

Stand in the rain until you catch a cold
And then do it often.

Remember you are alive and remember you are fragile.

But most importantly, Remember you are a blessing yourself.

So share it.

I'm not saying share the gospel kind of blessing,
But share the blessing of happiness.

Because the only true happiness in this world is that of making others happy.

Old Money

Where have you been? Where did you go?
Those summer nights seem long ago,
And so is the girl you used to call,
The Queen of New York City.

But if you send for me you know I'll come,
And if you call for me you know I'll run,
I'll run to you, I'll run to you, I'll run, run, run.
I'll come to you, I'll come to you, I'll come, come, come.\

The power of youth is on my mind,
Sunsets, small town, I'm out of time.
Will you still love me when I shine,
From words but not from beauty?

My father's love was never strong,
My mother's glamour lives on and on,
Yet still inside I felt alone,
For reasons unknown to me.

But if you change your mind you know I'll come.

Blue hydrangea, cold cash, divine,
Cashmere, cologne and hot sunshine.
Red racing cars, sunset and vine
And we were young and pretty.

Truce

Now the night is coming to an end,
The sun will rise and we will try again.

Stay alive, stay alive for me.
You will die, but now your life is free,
Take pride in what is sure to die.

I will fear the night again,
I hope I'm not my only friend.

Stay alive, stay alive for me.
You will die, but now your life is free,
Take pride in what is sure to die.

Don't bother

Are you blind?
She would've given up everything for you.
She loved you more than you could possibly imagine.
I've watched her cry over you way too many times.

You've fucked her over time and time again, and yet she still always came back to you.
I have no idea why she did, it's not like you actually cared.
But it's because she loved you and you never saw it.

But now it's too late.
I've been keeping an eye on her and watching her grow with out you.
But this time instead of crying from heart ache, her heart aches with love and she only tears up when she laughs too hard.
 She's back on course to become who she wanted to be before she met you.
She's happy.

 She's loved by a man that is taking care of her and is as selfless as she is.
Who cares for her just as much as she cares for him.
Which is a lot.

She finally found a man that doesn't take her for granted.
She's finally begining to piece herself back together.
With the help of someone who doesn't judge her or ridicule her every move.

He's seen her broken pieces and instead of running,
He has stopped and is helping her pick them up.
Helping her put them back in their place.
And giving her the pieces she is missing.

So don't mess it up by trying to come back to her.

She'll only turn you away.

Hello Stranger

One day, you will realize what you left.

You will realize how there will never be someone like me.

And it will kill you.


One day you'll come crawling back to me,

Like you always have,

And I'll just say "Do you remember?


"Do you remember how you shut me out?
Let me crumble, and watched as you walked away from me?
Do you remember how many nights I spent crying?
How many nights I spent consoling you?
Do you remember how you treated me like shit?
Remember how I did everything I could to make you happy?
Do you remember how you texted me to tell me I was worthless?
Not in those words, but definitely that meaning.
Do you remember how I acted angry?
Well I was hurt.
Do you remember how many years I spent wanting you?
Remember how many days you spent wanting me?
If not only hours.
Remember how I stood up for you against my own flesh and blood?
Remember how didn't want your family to even know I existed?
Remember how you always hesitated?
Well I'm here to tell you that I'm gone.
I'm done.
I am sick of the incomplete heart I am left with because of you.
And I don't want to lose any more of it.
I cry still, just wondering why I wasn't good enough.
But now I realize that you just didn't know what you had.
I hope you spend every night alone,
Or with some girl that you don't care about,
And remember me.
Remember everything I did for you.
Remember how you raped me in the back of my car,
And I said it was ok.
Remember how you left me to die.
And remember that you didn't care.
Remember that I would've given everything for you to be happy.
And remember that I am no longer,
And never again will be,
Yours."

I'm done.
I'm doing it tonight.

I'm trying

Every day things get worse.
I've tried dating.
It's not working.
I've tried friendships.
They aren't working.

Every. Single. Thing.
Isn't working.
Except for my memories.

I constantly am having dreams about you.
I am always thinking of you.
And I remember everything.
The good, the bad, and the ugly.

But recently I've made a friend,
With someone who lives almost 1000 miles away.
He has been treating me with the most kindness I've ever seen.

He is flying to Utah to visit me for a week.

Garrett has been pushing me to date him.
He's possessive already and we are on date #3.
I can't message him over text even because he wants to
"Know if I'm responding every time I see his messages"

He's controlling. Already.

I can't be more clear with him.
I tell him almost everyday that I don't want to date him.
But it doesn't matter.
He still pushes.

He still shows up at my house unannounced.
He still picks me up and takes me out with out me having a say.
I've even yelled at him a couple of times.
But maybe this is just what I deserve.

Maybe I need to be forced into relationships.

Maybe I should be pushed around,
Told what to do,
And when to do it.
Maybe I need this because I'm worthless without someone like that.

Maybe.

But when I look at Adam.
The person flying out just to meet me.
It makes me wonder if I will ever be loved by someone as sweet,
Kind and caring as he is.

But then I remember I'm me. I deserve much less.

I remember I'm me.
And put all the hope I have to rest.
Remember that I'm worth no love.
So just a little attention is worth my time.


Joe life is hard.
And I can't do it.
I'm trying.

But everywhere I turn I run into something else
That reminds me that I should be dead.
That this isn't natural.
And it sure as hell isn't fun.

I'm sorry.
About everything.
I hope you are ok.
And loving Arizona.

I always have her with me

I've started starving myself again.
Depression began settling in and making a home.
My body is furnished with all of it's belongings it loves.

It's sadness,
                   anxiety,
                                hopelessness,
                                                       and isolation.

I've tried and tried again to tell her to leave,
But she insisted on staying.
Told me that she wasn't tired quite yet, but I sure am.

 She is constantly whispering to me,
Telling me that everything would be so much better if I was dead.
She told me that you would be happy, and so would my family, and there would be no pain.

I am beginning to believe her.
Infact I started believing her a long time ago.
I just have never had the chance to follow her instructions and make it better.

She keeps tugging on my shirt and pulling me down to her level.
She will never let me forget you.
Never.

So what's the point?
I can be grateful for everything but still receive nothing except for pain.
You have been the only person to make me truly laugh and smile.

But now you're gone.

So tell me,
                      Why?


Why go on living alone?
Why destroy myself until there is nothing left?
Why let them destroy me too?

I think we both know the answer to my problem.
Just one of us doesn't want to face it.
But I'm ready.

Running in the same direction, but you're afraid and I am hoping you will turn around

I'm scared.

I'm afraid that I can never be wanted by anyone.

I'm terrified that the one person I love will never love me back.

I'm fearful of the fact that if you send for me I'll come, but I don't know if you would ever do the same.



I just want to be wanted.

I just love to be loved.

I just hoped that we could've worked.



But I guess I still haven't learned.

Still believe in faithful waiting, and rewards for doing so.

All I do is try.

All I do is wait.

All I do is hope.



I wish that I wouldn't so easily run to you when you call my name.

I wish I could play hard to get.

But when it comes to you, all I want is to make you happy.

So I do whatever you ask.




If you change your mind about loving me, just know I will run to you.

With open arms.


But for now I guess I can understand why you are running away from me.

I would too.


So good luck.

I hope you find what answers you are looking for.

And maybe I will see you again someday.

Finally

I got a job as a stripper in Salt Lake.

I guess it will all go up from here.

Embrace

There is a deep desire to sleep
To slip away
And finally forget


I entered a dream
I remember waking up with out you
And I was gone too


What followed were empty days with nothing
Nothing but the feeling I lost
Everything


I remember
Once we were as close as our own skin
Maybe even closer


I liked your eyes watching me
Like hands touching me
I spent many days waiting

Thinking

Longing

Dying


I remember


Only sunlight reminded me
There was your warmth
And then it was gone


I remember darkness


There is a deep desire to sleep
To slip away
And finally forget


But there is a quiet force
Stronger then heartache
Brighter then the sun


Embracing me


It's not you
I see it now


It's life


I want to live
                          my life.

Priceless

I am worthless.
I have no more love in me because I've realized it's an illusion.
The people you love don't love you back.

And now I've finally realized what I'm good for.
I'm good for giving.
Putting out.


I'm good for sex and drinking.
I'm good for lust and hurting.
I'm good for legs and spreading.
I'm good for rape and gagging.
I'm good for nothing more.
I'm good for much less.


The woman has so many emotions that men don't.
So if you want to belong in a mans world,
Give the man what he wants.
Otherwise you will fail. Be hurt. And no one will care.

Pretend and make believe

Ty Amy.

The one person who I would've bet my life on him hating my guts, is the only one who has spoken to me for a few days now.

He texted me back.

When he texted the other day and asked me how I was doing, and I said not too hot, instead of shutting me out like everyone else he came and picked me up.

Told me he was sorry.

Held me while I bawled.

Invited me to his brother's birthday party.

Made me laugh for the first time in weeks.

Made me feel human.

Not ghostly.



The one person I thought hated me, proved I had at least someone.

The one person I thought loved me, is still watching me sit here.

He hasn't moved.

Hasn't even thought about texting me or anything to make sure I'm alright.



What a funny world we live in, where everything you think is real, isn't.

Coward

I took 14 sleeping pills last night.

Know who texted or called me back?

No one.

I watched out for myself and made myself puke.

I'm a coward.

And now I know for sure that my life is worthless.

I am going to move to oregon for the assisted suicide

Because I'm too afraid to do it on my own.

Roads

Ohh, can't anybody see
We've got a war to fight
Never found our way
Regardless of what they say

How can it feel, this wrong
From this moment
How can it feel, this wrong

Storm.. in the morning light
I feel
No more can I say
Frozen to myself

I got nobody on my side
And surely that ain't right
And surely that ain't right

Ohh, can't anybody see
We've got a war to fight
Never found our way
Regardless of what they say

How can it feel, this wrong
From this moment
How can it feel, this wrong

[INSTRUMENTAL]

How can it feel, this wrong
This moment
How can it feel, this wrong

Ohh, can't anybody see
We've got a war to fight
Never found our way
Regardless of what they say

How can it feel, this wrong
From this moment
How can it feel, this wrong

This is the end

I'm done.

Everything is constantly crumbling around me, and when that happens it only takes so long before you start to crumble too. How can you sleep when all you have are nightmares? How can you wake up when your nightmares are living? I am sick of feeling hopeless and unwanted by everyone. Unloved, unwanted, and unready. I tried and I tried to pick myself up off the floor and sometimes I stood up, but this time I really can't. I've crashed. My heart is slowly stopping to beat and my lungs are only filling up with water from my constant tears. So I might as well end my suffering. Just like a hurt animal, it's time to put myself to sleep. The pain on the inside is something I can't heal. It's worse then a cut, or a broken bone. It decays my sense of living and honestly I don't even believe I am anymore. There will be no difference if I really am not "alive." Even the people I know won't notice. In fact they might feel less burdened. Happier even. So yes I'm leaving. But no one cares anyways. No one will notice.

Goodbye

Honesty by Joe

Hey. So I just got done talking to you for the last time. Damn, you know you can be a real bitch. I can't believe you sometimes. But it doesn't even matter, the whole time all I wanted to say is that I lied about lying. I just hate myself and I'm afraid I won't be enough for you. I need to become someone because without you I'm nothing. And in case you find something better I need to have something to lean on.But it's gone to far. I was the bad guy again. The only thing is you don't realize I'm toxic. You'll be so much happier without me. So much more successful and accomplished.

I deleted your number. And I cut myself until I forgot it. Until the pain was to severe and whenever I try to remember it I wince. I cringe now at the thought of trying to text you. I hope it will be enough... At least for now. But don't worry, I don't mind adding even more so I don't have to hurt you again.

It hurts when you say I don't care. But it hurts you when I say I do. So I don't. I sit screaming at myself. Wanting to tell you how important you are to me... That I need to know you're safe and will continue to be... But I can't. Not anymore. "She'll be happier without me." I tell myself. I'm the bad guy! I can be the bad guy!

You better keep your fucking promise. Otherwise I'll just have to kill myself so I can scream at you and tell you how wrong you were and that you lied to me. That you were the reason I was sticking around this long.
I'd never see my family again if I did that... Ever.
I would literally give up the little I have left, but it would only be curtious, considering what you gave up for me.
Well I was a disappointment anyway so I figure it wouldn't be to hard to get over me anyway.
But please don't. You could do so much for people and animals. And basically everything else.

Just so you know, I'm so tired of fighting. I'm just tired, I wish I could tell life I needed a break and clock out. Ha that's kind of what I'm doing I guess...Well that's all I was saying. Maybe I'll add more later. Maybe I'll even post this one day. But for now. I'll sit in my silent agony while I get soaked in the rain.

P.S. Sometimes to save yourself you've got to kill your mind

All done

I gave you everything I had.

All the strength I had went to fighting for love that was never there.

I'm sorry I ruin everything I touch.

I promise I won't touch anything again.

I'm taking measures to not hurt anyone anymore.

Drink all day.

Think all night.

Wish I was high, so I could stop the race in my head.




The gun is loaded and pointed at my head.

I watch the brains hit the wall and smile.



I put it on rewind and watch again.



Too bad it was a dream.

But at least my dream wasn't of you tonight.

Cry some more.



Lay in bed all day.

Listen to music about death and broken hearts.

Cry some more.




Daily routine:

Starve
Drink
Sleep
Think
Cry
Drink
Play games
Think
Cry
Drink
Try to sleep
Cry
Drink
Repeat

What I wrote a long time ago. Now none of it's true. I can't even do this

When you sit there and listen to your thoughts,
You realize things.

You realize that drinking sometimes doesn't stop the pain.
And you realize that sometimes you are worth more.


When you are in love, a couple things can happen.

You can walk away hand in hand.
Or you walk away with nothing left in your hand.

But I created a third option.

I walked away heart broken, yes.
But I also walked away with a plan.

I set up a few dates for the next couple of days,
With guys who had asked me out more than once,
And I turned them down more than a few times.


I planned play dates with old friends you never wanted to meet,
And I did it all with tears in my eyes.

Not of complete and udder sadness,
But with hope of finding myself again.


I'm worth more than being hidden from the world.
I'm worth proclamations to the world of how our love only grows,
And how lucky we are to have each other.

I want to be held with arms that know how to read my emotions,
Instead of ones that know how to tell if now is the time for making the car rock.


I expect to be loved so much that I am chosen first,
Never becoming a back up plan for when other things don't work.


I want to find someone that is happy with me being me.
Instead of vaguely asking for me to change everything about me.


I want to hit the home runs,
And shoot for the stars,
Because even if I land on the moon
I will still be happy.


I want to be someones everything,
Just like you were for me.

I want to be assured that they feel the same as me,
And that as long as we have each other everything will be ok.

I don't want to hear anymore of the line "I don't know"
Because after a little while it makes you ask why.

Why are we together if you don't know if you want to be?
Because in my world it's either a Fuck yes or a no.
There is no maybe.

How I feel

www.youtube.com/watch?v=8LcltzJtjBY

I do what I want now

I finally wore winged eyeliner for the first time in a long time.


Because I love it, and you didn't.


There's something else I should've never stopped doing for you.

Not wife material

I thought I was done.

My world revolved around you and I thought that it would end once you were gone.

But I remember how strong I was before we started dating again.

And although the fact that all my love was put in something that never wanted to be there,

I know I will find the power to love again.

And I know I will be ok.




I'll be better than ok infact.


The problem is is that I've been stuck in the "ok" box for too long.

Where everything was just fine, but never any better.




I'm leaving to go and live out of my car and travel.

And secret I hope I die along the way,

But all I want is peace.


And I will never find it here.



I leave the 25th.


I come back never.



I just want you to know that I'm sorry.

But I'm not sorry for you.


I'm sorry that I let myself believe that you loved me.

I'm sorry that I tried to donate 100% of myself to someone that didn't want it.



I've learned my lesson.


Fact is, trust just isn't something you are meant to place in other people.


So from now on all my trust and time will be dedicated to myself.


Because I don't want to waste anymore of it.





Life is short.



And trust and love ruin it.

Memories before they get deleted

 






































































































 



















































 










 





They will never be seen again.